▶ Your Answer :
Young generations nowadays frequently participate with in voluntary work in developed nations. I believe that the competitive market could be the reason that young people doing the voluntary work, and, the voluntary work would be always benefit young people. <(질문은 아마 young people and communities에 대해 묻고 있는 것 같습니다. ) Despite several reasons that young people engage in voluntary work, I believe that the reason for young people to participate in voluntary work in developing areas is because their country is very competitive. Many developed countries are suffering from the high unemployment rates which could lead the young to unemployment. Young people can spend the time doing valuable voluntary work by having the self-satisfaction and self-esteem. <(내용 조금 unclear합니다. Unemployment 때문에 시간이 남아서 그 시간을 voluntary work에 투자 한다는 것 인가요?) Doing the voluntary work is beneficial for children, because they would be able to have career opportunities by participating in the work. Since children would meet various people by doing the voluntary work, the continuous interaction with them can increase their employment opportunities. Further to this, young people can learn various knowledge and skills from doing the voluntary work. The possible knowledge that they could be learning might involve the new experience, new skills, socialisation skills and different cultures. <(한 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) In conclusion, there can be several reasons for children to participate in voluntary work. Among those reasons, I believe that the competitive market is was the primary reason. However, because of this reason, children would be able to find their the occupation by doing the voluntary work. Therefore, voluntary work is beneficial for young people.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 두 번째 문단에서는 clarity가 조금 떨어집니다. 또한 세 번째와 네 번째 문단은 한 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 질문은 young people 뿐만 아니라 communities에도 beneficial한지 물어보고 있는 것 같습니다. 그렇기 때문에 communities한테도 beneficial한 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |