▶ Your Answer :
The number of migrants applied by four 4 distinctive
occupations, namely; accountant, cook, computer programmer and engineer, in getting
into Australia from 2009 to 2012, which is depicted by the projected bar graph. Overall, the most popular occupation was accountant while
the rest of occupations recorded the least popular applications by migrants. It
is interesting to note that, the accountant occupation experienced an increasing
trend as well as computer programmers except for the periodic fluctuation.<(computer programmers는 결국엔 처음 시작한 figure보다 낮게 end 했기 때문에 increasing trend 보다는 fluctuating trend 인 것 같습니다) Meanwhile, cooks and engineers had a the decreasing trend. Accountants had the dominant number of applicants from
migrants of about 6,000 people for the first 2 years. Then this number
increased substantially to reach at its peak of 14,000 applicants in 2011
before plummeting back close to the original number of close to 6,000 by 2012. A similar
trend was shown by Computer programmers, where it increased from about 3,000
migrants to 4,000 people in the first 2 years and then went back to just a bit below its the original
point of close to 3,000 computer programming applicants. In
comparison, the cooking and engineering occupation recorded the lowest migrants applications of below 4,000 people and they both experienced of a decrease in numbers decreasing in
number of migrant applications. Cooks had about 3,000 applicants in 2009 and dropped
to 2,800 by 2012 despite the increase periodic drop in 2011, whereas engineers had
remained the constant but decreasing trend in their migrant application of
below 2,000 people <(confusing/ constant 한데 decreasing trend가 있었다는 건 논리적으로 말이 안됩니다 ). The number of migrants applied by 4 distinctive
occupations, namely; accountant, cook, computer programmer and engineer getting
into Australia from 2009 to 2012, which is depicted by the projected bar graph.
Score: 5.5 Comment: Migrants who applied for an occupation이 아니라 그 occupation을 가지고 있는 migrants에 대한 정보 인 것 같습니다. 문법상 plurality/article/표현 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |