▶ Your Answer :
Compared with the relationship with neighbours in the past, people these days more tend to be more indifferent with in their neighbours due to a several reasons. I will outline causes of this phenomenon and suggest some of potential solutions.
To begin with, people living in a modern society have been accustomed to avoid to build a relationship with neighbours. This is because life style has changed to be more individualistic rather than it in the past. <Need better coherence> To be specific, a various forms of jobs makes people's life styles different. Moreover, a structure of accommodation deprives of opportunity to meet and get to know neighbours since there is no space to enable to encounter to others even if they live in the same building.<(elaborate) As a result of this situation, people do not have any interaction with others living next to them.
Some people have regarded this phenomenon as a serious problem, so they assert that something should be done to reverse the relationship. <(다른 사람의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 의견 처럼 들려야 합니다) Firstly, a community's role is fairly significant because they can organise some chances, such as interesting events, that enable people to attract <(attract what? little unclear). According to a statistics surveyed by a community in South Korea, a lack of chances to know others was taken by over 50 percentage of the residents.<(a survey of what?) If an event is held, many people will probably be interested in it. Furthermore, during the event, people will naturally have a conversation and get to know each other. Thus, since the phenomenon is caused by society, the society have to work on solving it. <(2개 이상의 solution을 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion, even if people have already lost interests in the interaction with people who are living in the same district, but because it should be solved as it is considerably important.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 전체적으로 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 specificity가 lack 하기 때문에 clarity도 조금 떨어집니다. 문법상 collocation/표현/어순 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외엔느 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|