▶ Your Answer :
There are several qualities of becoming good
parents such as disciplines, care, love, listening skills, physical ability,
patient, honesty, visionary, enlightenment and guidance. However, I believe
that the love and listening skills would be the most important skills to be
good parents.
Parents should show their affection to
their children adequately enough. Children are heavily rely on their parent's opinion. <Need better coherence> Therefore, the children receiving no love from their parents will lead them in
a negative way. This could lead to depression, ignorance and pessimistic
thinking.
Many people can misunderstand the way to show showing the affection to children. Majority of parents perform commands rather than conversations. This command could be the result of the parent's high expectation from their children. Therefore, parents can clearly observe their children's potential power and shall listen to the child's stories without any expectations. <(이 문단이 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 clear 하지 않습니다. Good qualities of parents를 support 해주기 보다는 부모가 아이를 대하는 하나의 방법 처럼 들립니다)
Majority of the people do not perform listening
skills properly. <Need better coherence. 논리적으로 많은 사람들이 listening skills를 제데로 perform 하지 못하는데 많은 사람의 뇌는 다른 사람의 이야기에 respond하게끔 형성이 되었다 는 어색하게 들립니다. > For example, many people's brain might have formed to respond to other people's stories. <Need better coherence> Many parents would not be familiar with listening to for their children's stories. However, the good parents would feel empathy with the children's stories by actively engaging their emotions to stories. By listening to children’s stories by empathy, children will feel that their parents care for them and love them are caring them and loving them.<(Need to work on topic sentence. Topic sentence 왜/어떻게 사람들은 listening skills 가 부족한지 서술을 해주실 것 처럼 들립니다. 또한 왜 listening skills 가 quality of good parents인지에 대해 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문단의 1~3문장은 조금 irrelevant하게 들립니다.)
(에세이의 주제와는 조금 irrelevant하게 들리는 문장입니다)> I believe that there would be no successful
people without good parents. There would be many factors to be good parents.
Among those, in my perspective the most vital factors would be the listening
skills and the affections.
Score: 6 Comment: Irrelevant하게 들리는 내용이 일부 있습니다. 주제와 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 답에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용상 문단별 transition이 부족합니다. 또한 coherence에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |