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These days, due to the incredible development of technology incredibly, people are able to be monitored by such as cell phone tracking and security cameras even if they do not want. In my opinion, it has plenty of advantages as well as drawbacks that it has.
First of all, thanks to goods based on high quality equipment of cameras, the rate of crime has decreased rapidly. In the past, it happened frequently to be robbed in small market or bank. However, since these devices adopted, it has happened rarely. Take an example, my father’s company which is a small shopping mall was robbed a few of times in 1990s when the equipment did not come out in society. However, after my father installed security cameras, it never happened again. Moreover, because of cameras, most of robbers have arrested easily.
On the other hand, there is a burning issue about invading individuals' privacy. private. Security cameras and other technological devices are installed in all of locations. That means anyone can be monitored although they do not permit it. In kore For instance, most of cars have security cameras, called Black-box, so that pedestrians are taken photos and videos. Some people post their black box contents without with out permission, that some of which those includes personal things such as that some people sleeping slept on the road or snoring their nose. From that, the some people are in trouble as their private life is exposed to be known on the online. 설명 내용이 좀 더 정돈되면 좋을 것 같아요. 사례에서도 본론1처럼 정확히 "이러이러하게 사생활이 침해된 경우가 있었다"라고 에피소드를 소개하거나 아니면 "이러이러한 경우의 사생활 침해 사례가 많이 보도되고 있다"하는 식으로 정리해주는 게 좋아요.
In conclusion, security cameras and cell phone tracking are the same as a coin which has two 2 sides. When it comes to advantageous advantage aspects, it has the rate of crime dropped. In , in contrast, it also has the problem of invading personal life. things
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5 modest user
범죄율 감소라는 장점과 개인의 사생활 침해라는 단점을 각각 잘 드러내주신 점이 좋았어요. 각 문단에서 내용을 설명할 때 여러 요소의 나열이 아니라 단계적인 설명으로 구성이 드러나도록 좀 더 흐름을 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그냥 장단점이 있다고만 입장을 밝히기보다는 'outweigh'하는지 물어본 질문의 취지에 맞게 나의 입장을 둘 중 하나로 정해서 답변해주는 게 좋으니 이 부분도 참고해주세요~ 품사와 관련한 문법 오류가 많으니 주의하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |