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Soem Some people argue that building more sports facilities for public is the best way to improve public health but others believe belives there are better measures and they are more effective for the purpose. However In my opinion, I argue that providing more sports facilities is the most effective solution to improving public health of our society.
Some people believe that providing people with more information on health care and nutrition is the best way to improve public health. I admit that It it could be a helpful solution to some extent. However this these kinds of solutions are too general and very difficult to prove whether if the knowledge makes real improvement of people's healh health conditions or not. It is very similar to this, even though there is a peson who is very well known about nutrition and other health care information, that does not mean he or she is really healthy, because we need something practical and doing soemthing actually rather than general knowldege. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다. 참고로, 이 문단은 어차피 총평에서 말씀드릴 예정이듯이 그 자체가 잘못되어서 수정되어야 하지만, 그래도 문법 보충의 의미로 꼭 댓글은 주세요!)
In this perspective, increasing sports facilities is the most practical and realistic solution (새로운 문단이 시작되었으므로, 무엇에 대한 가장 효율적인 해결책인지를 다시 한번 상기시켜주셔야 합니다. 글쓰기에서는 핵심에 대한 꾸준한 상기가 중요해요.). It is well known that regular excercise is very good for health and researches and statistics are supporting this idea strongly. Sports facilities such as public gyms, playgouunds, bicyle lanes, attract people to do more excercise. From may experience, I do more regular excercise after a public playground was built near my neighborhood. (주변에 시설이 증가해서 내가 운동을 더 했다는 사실 자체를 제시하는 것은 근거 전개에 있어 아무런 도움이 되지 않습니다. 시설 증가에 따라 내가 왜 더 운동을 할 수 있었는지를 설명하는 것이 중요해요. 이 경우 '이전에는 멀리 가야했지만 더이상 그러지 않아도 되므로 편해졌다.' 등이 해당되겠죠.)
In conclusion, there could be many methods to improve public health, but I believe that providing public with more sports facilities is a more practical and effective way compared to others such as providing educational programs about nuturition and health information. |