The bar chart below show the percentage of Australian men and women in different groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The illustration represents
that the rate of Australian males and females who did regular exercise in 2010, divided into different age groups how much the regularly exercising Australian male and female
change in 2010 by dividing different generations.
Overall, the proportions of
the female who did regular exercise were more or less around 50% who was exercising were
nearly 50% over the ages shown in the chart, while the those of male shows more
dramatic differences compared to the female according to the generations in
2010. Also, generally female worked out more than male, except for the youngest
male generation.
The most active generations
in the female group are the is middle-aged people between 35 and 64 over 50%. Out of
the three groups, the figures in a 45 and 44-year-old female who worked out on
a daily basis were the highest with 52.3%.
In terms of male groups, the
most minimal rates of exercising people were from 35 and 44-year-old males with
39.5%. Compared to females in the the female who is the same age group, the proportion of
female group was higher than the male by nearly 12 % (퍼센트포인트로 표시해주셔야 합니다. 이에 대한 설명은 이전의 링크를 보시면 되겠고요.), which is the most
significant gap between men and women.
Unlike
the most significant gap mentioned above, the figures in the oldest group showed seemed the same proportion, regardless of gender. Also, in the youngest group,
the percentages of the male was higher than female by approximately 5% (여기도 마찬가지이고요.).
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
장단점을 말씀드리자면, 먼저 장점의 경우 분석 자체는 깔끔하게 해주셨습니다. 단순 나열을 하는 것이 아니라 표에서 중요한 사항들을 잘 골라서 분석해주셨고, 퍼센트포인트만 잘 활용되었어도 TR은 8점도 바라볼 수 있었을 겁니다.
반면 단점은 특히 전반부에서 표현이 다소 어색하며, 마지막 세 문단은 문단 배열이 깔끔하게 되어있지 않은 상태입니다. 길이가 찬다 싶으면 문단을 나누는 게 아니라, 누가 봐도 명확한 기준 아래 문단을 나눠주실 수 있어야 해요. 예를 들면 마지막 두 문단에서 gap 을 다루고 있는데, 이게 서로 독립된 문단에 들어갈 이유는 전혀 없습니다.
윗 내용을 참고해서 글을 수정해주시고, 현재 대체적으로 task 2에 비해 1에서 표현상 어색함이 많은지라 이에 대한 꾸준한 문법 공부와 모범답안 분석이 필요하겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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