Q. The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. However, some people say that young people can also be leaders. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
relatively recent decades, we live in a world where people living in modern
society have been concerned that the leaders of companies are often the
elderly. Hence, we often find ourselves in a dilemma and question regarding
this. A lot of people believe that it is not only positive but also helpful for
those to give the young chances to be leaders, while others point out that
focusing only on young people in organizations would be pretty negative in many
aspects. In approaching this issue, both viewpoints will be discussed with
appropriate supports.
For
those advocating the former opinion, the first thing that has to be mentioned
here is that more and more individuals are realizing that young leaders are considered
to be more creative and can show a more energetic leadership than the older. This implies
that young people can influence their companies worldwide. In the second place,
it is generally acknowledged that advantage of young people is best described
as an ability to adapt to fast-paced industrial trend. Further evidence for
this argument is that more than half of young employees in South Korea tend to understand
easier about the global industrial trend in a world compared to older people recording to
research. (채점관은 이 마지막 문단을 읽은 뒤, why? how? 라는 의문점을 가지게 됩니다. 즉 그걸 해결할 수 있어야해요. 단순히 '아 몰라. 설문에서 그랬대~'라고 적지 않도록 주의해주세요!)
On the other hand, are there any drawbacks caused by this trend? (의문형 없이 서술해주시는 게 좋습니다.) Primarily, almost everyone can see that young people become leaders is deeply to do with lack of experiences and patience. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) That is to say, a number of the young are likely to easily give up all things relevant to businesses. Another point to be mentioned here is that older people have strong advantages in social and human network. Logically, this is mainly because young people cannot help having enough social and human network in the end. (여기 역시 why? 라는 의문점이 들게 되고요.)
All
thing considered, I personally believe that young people are also qualified to
be leaders, yet, we should not ignore be ignored older peoples’ experiences.
총평: (6/6/7/6) 6.5
이렇게만 실전에서도 쓰시면 task 2에서는 6.5에 맞춰질 수 있을 겁니다. 허나, 1시간이 넘게 걸렸고, 단어도 찾아보시면서 작성하셨기 때문에 '실전에서 이렇게 쓰지 못한다는 점' 이 문제이겠죠. 그러므로 오늘부터는 시간을 맞추는 작업, 그리고 외부 도움을 최소화하는 작업도 병행해서, 실전에 적응할 수 있도록 해주셔야합니다. 이 과정에서 배우는 단어들은 꼭 암기해주셔야하고요.
내용상의 경우 두 본론 모두 후반부에 왜??? 어떻게?? 라는 의문점만 남긴채로 마무리되었으므로 수정해주시는 게 좋습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
1. 목표하시는 점수 6.5 2. 다음 시험 예정 날짜 3월초/ 아직 시험등록을 안해서 정확히모르겠습니다 3. 시험경험 무 4. 현재 글을 쓰는데 1시간 걸린거 같습니다/ 옛날에 학원다닐때 탬플릿을 받은적이있어서 그거 위주로 적어봤습니다. 5. 쓰는데 시간도 너무오래걸리고.. 여러가지 단어도 찾아보면서 적었습니다. |