시간 : 42분
도움 : 없음
목표 점수 : 6.5
단어수 : 394
시험 점수 : 경험 없음 / 4월 초에 한번, 5월 중-말에 한번
쓰다보니... 쓸모없이 너무 거창하고 복잡하고 난잡하게 쓴다는게 느껴지네요...ㅠㅠ
Many women are in the workforce today, but only a few are in senior position.
What causes this phenomenon?
Suggest possible solutions that would resolve this issue
Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words
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It is true that just a few female workers could get a high position in workplace, although there are many women workers are today. While this problem is serious, it can be solved by introducing more social service for women to be placed a fair condition alongside men.
The main issue with a lower probability of getting a promotion in women to be a board member is childcare. Most women nowadays tend to quit working temporarily or permanently for focusing on household when they have babies. With children growing up, the main tasks about considering and supporting children’ future regarding academic performance, career, and health so on, is on mainly women. By doing this, women could be unable to continue work and will experience the absence absent of career. Even though they start to work again, women would be unlikely to get promotions. This is because department of human resource would tend to choose candidates who had more career when they give promotions. In fact, in South-Korea, a research center which is one of government institution, reported that 70% of female workers had struggled to get new jobs and get promotions because of baby-care and the absent of career. only 3-4% female are in senior position. Most answerer mentioned that we were not in the same condition of men. (앞의 말에 숫자랑 대한민국만 붙여서 그대로 반복하는, 즉 전형적인 내용 채우기에 지나지 않습니다.)
However, there are some solutions to this problem. One of the ways to place the same condition for both sexes is to offer women social services such as baby-care. If our society has have lots of childcare facilities, academic and public sport centers so on, they can focus on their own tasks as much as men as men do it as. It indicates all workers are in the same condition in company when they get a promotion. For example, In in Korea, registering public baby-care service is too hard since society have not facilities enough. On the one hand, In in Canada where has lots lot’s of public service and facilities and well-known well-being life, the women proportion of senior position in company is higher than the others. This is why they could process and concentrate on their task because they social facilities release the stress about childcare.
To sum up, it is clear that nowadays female workers could not get a high position as men have as. (원인의 구체적인 양상도 요약해주세요!) Nevertheless, the issue can be resolved by offering women workers more public service such as baby-care so on.
총평: (7/6/6/6) 6.5
이정도면 6.5는 받으실 수 있습니다. 문법 문제가 일단 그렇게 크지는 않기 때문이죠. 단, 그렇다고 해서 지금 시험을 치른다고 6.5를 받으시는 건 아닙니다. 실전 적응의 문제도 있고, 어차피 Task 1에서 감점되니까요. 그래도 조금씩 조금씩 나아지는 모습이 보인다는 게 정말 긍정적인 것 같습니다. 여기서 만족하지 마시고, 문법+어휘는 시험 전날까지 꾸준히 공부해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)