Team activities and sole activities performed by people are giving them important skills for life.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement
It is a common belief that most people are learning their essential skills by participating in group and individual activities. This essay will deal with the agreement about the above social belief.
For living well in recent society, we have to grow a social skill which is our social skills which are called cooperation. This ability helps us to unite with other people and it contributes to making a positive result. We learned it through some group activities such as soccer, basketball and club activities. Those programs made us to cooperate as a team, and programs also taught that this cooperative method can create a better result than doing so as individuals. If we did not learn cooperation, we can not live in modern era definitely, and mankind will never reach the modern era indefinitely. Therefore, all recent creatures are made by cooperation, it is a crucial ability to us.
In addition, we can success to develop human beings have succeeded in development/developing until now because of the ability of competition, and we have grown it when we are playing as a solo. Solo activities can encourage people to work harder since it attaches the winning mentality and competitive consciousness in their brain and heart. Of course, too much competitive consciousness can bring us some negative results. Nevertheless, proper standard competitive are stimulated by competition, they surely make a good result for winning other workers, (여기는 댓글 한번 주세요!) and this situation usually brings significant advancements and income to all of us. Thus, solo playing is an essential skill for enhancing people's ability.
To conclude, solo and group activities can teach us effective skills to live well in the society nowadays. Hence, I agree with the argument that these those programs can give us an important strategy, and those things they contribute to developing this world.
7.0 목표로 하고있습니다.
bring => brings
contribute to 뒤엔 v+ing 인데 참...
총평: (7/7/6/6) 6.5
내용에는 크게 문제가 없었고, 주로 표현상 자잘한 오류들만 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 1인칭은 진짜 최소한으로만 줄여주시는 게 좋습니다. 불가피한 경우, 즉 지금 파란색 표시된 I 를 빼고는 전부 대체가 가능하니까 웬만하면 대체해주세요~6점대 목표로 하는 학생들에게는 그렇게 강조하지는 않지만, 7점은 얘기가 조금 다릅니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)