It is an increasing trend of businesses to neglect the environment to further their profits.
What problems can this cause?
What measures could resolve them?
It is true that many corporations ignore environmental
contamination to seek their benefits the benefits of them. Consequently, this can bring back
dangers to human beings. While it is a serious problem, I insist that it can be
solved by founding legal restrictions concerning development of the companies.
The main problem of broadening the range of
industrial development to environment is that the destruction of the nature can act as be a boomerang on people. Although people utilize environmental resources for
improvements, they cannot help dwelling in the nature as a part of it.
Therefore, the damage resulting from the destruction can also influence on
humans. (이 뒤, 즉 구체적인 문제점에 대해 서술하는 부분이 더 중요한데, 정작 전개 단계인 앞에서 시간을 너무 끌었습니다. 문제점에 대해 더 주목해주세요~) For example, CFC gas which is emitted from spray ruins ozone layers of
the atmosphere, which causes global warming. Raised temperature of the earth (여기는 링크를 하나 넣어드리겠습니다.) changes the climates of the whole lands, and melt the iceberg of the South
Pole, which can lead to decrease of territories of human beings.
There are several solutions to this
problem (이게 무엇을 지칭하는지 다시 한번 상기시켜주시는 게 좋습니다.). One of the measures is that governments the government implementing policies for
sustainable growth. I think seeking sustainable development is essential for
co-existence of humans and surroundings, since those two are not different
apart, but factors which compose the earth (여기도 윗 문단과 마찬가지입니다.). Take global warming as an example,
authorities can increase fees to prevent the use of CFC gas. They would have taxes
for hair spray to impede purchasing it in markets. Furthermore, the increased
amount of income of taxes can be utilized to plant trees on barren lands, which
can make the air condition better. This will develop businesses and keep the
nature simultaneously even though the speed of improvement is somewhat slowed
down.
To sum up, it is clear that unreasonable growth of businesses would harm the environment and it will be a threat to humans. However, even though it is a serious problem, this issue can be solved by making legal restrictions on companies’ performances.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
표현, 즉 어휘 문법이 깔끔해서 점수는 벌어갔지만 내용상으로는 수정이 필요합니다. 본론1의 경우 위에서 말씀드렸듯이 엉뚱한 쪽에 너무 집중되어있기 때문에 전반부는 더 간추려주시고 후반부를 전개하는데에 집중해주세요!
Earth의 경우 결론만 말씀드리면 현재 문맥에서는 대문자 시작이고, 자세한 건 링크를 확인해주시면 되겠습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_data&p=2&type=url&uid=480355