<Topic> The charts below show the main reasons for study
among students of different age groups and the amount of support they
received from employers. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. |
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The two supplied
charts represent the two objectives for the study of students (이걸 넣어야 뒤의 they 가 정당화됩니다. 혹은 다른 방법의 대체도 되고요. 단 뭐가 됐든 간에 뜬금없이 바로 they 부터 나오지 않도록 주의해주세요!) and also how much they were
supported by their employers in five different age groups. Overall, the
study reason and the trend of the subsidized percentages trend generally
reverse from the youngest to the middle age group and it rises gradually up
again to the oldest group. (여기는 너무 모든 걸 하나에 때려박으려다가 이러한 문제가 생겼는데, 굳이 무조건 하나로 묶어서 표현할 필요는 없으니까 두 표를 나눠서 작성하고 댓글로 검사 받으세요!) In regards to
the study goals of students, 80% of under 26 years old students enrolled the
school for their future job which overshadows that of for the interest-10%.
While students aged from 26 to 49, the percentages of study for their interest
steadily go up more than 5%p, for career falls down 10%p on each graph, Interestingly,
two reasons’ rates become exactly the same, 40% at the group age in 40’s. (이 문장의 경우도 interestingly 를 전후로 끊어가려고 하신 건지 아니면 다른 의도였는지가 불분명한데, 문장 부호, 문법 등 다시 한번 천천히 읽어보시고 수정 후 확인받으세요!) In the Considering
the second graph, employers help 65% of those under 26 years old, which plots by far the
highest percentage among the groups. 1 out of 2 students in the 26-29 age
group is supported by their employers, however, as for the rate of people in 30’s old
are looked after by companies, which is almost half lower that of the youngest group.
The group of 40’s is 5%p higher than that of 30’s in the ratio and 45% of
managers help their employees who are over 49 years old to study. |
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[ 245 words] |
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Grammar |
Vocabulary |
Cohesion and Coherence |
Task Response |
6/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
6/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
감사합니다.
총평: 이번 글은 경각심을 위해 많이 깎은 것도 있지만, 아마 다른 채점관도 잘 쳐줘야 7점, 웬만하면 6점대를 줬을 겁니다. 꽁치님의 베스트라면 절대 나지 않을 오류들이 너무 많이 보였고, 전반적으로 제가 꽁치님께 기대하는 글의 레벨보다 다소 낮은 상태로 작성되었으므로 이러한 부분에 조금만 더 신경써주세요!
이제 많은 글을 쓰시다보니 슬슬 글을 기계적으로 작성하는, 즉 체력이 떨어지는 시점이 됐는데 이럴 때일수록 더더욱 자잘한 오류가 나지 않도록 주의해주세요~제가 못 잡고 넘어가는 부분도 많을 거니까, 더더욱 꽁치님의 역할이 중요해집니다. 파이팅하세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)