Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while other think people should be free to choose discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the modern society, how to deal with extreme sports which can have high possibility to hurt people has been in the center of the public as well as the government. Some people contend that dangerous sports should be forbidden exhibited while others demonstrate that it should be depend on people’s choice. I am of the opinion with banning dangerous sports is required. In this essay, the reasons of each views and my opinion will be elaborated.
On one hand, some people highlight that it does not matter anything if they practice dangerous sports from the base. It can be dangerous if the beginners play the advanced course, for example, while it can proper course for professionals, therefore practice not to have accident or hurt can prevent every accident. (이 부분은 의도하신 바에 대해 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) if people start from the bottom with practice they can enjoy sports even if it is dangerous.
On the other hand, some people request to ban dangerous sports. According to a recent survey, nearly one-third of people have experience in injuries (죽은 사람이 설문에 참여할 수는 없기 때문에 뺐습니다.) experience hurts and even dead during extreme sports such as skiing and motor cycling. It also can harm other people in some cases, on the streets. In addition, even if people try not to have an accident, no one can expect the moment and also no one can blame the accident. Therefore, I believe exhibiting dangerous sports has to be prioritized du to the reasons stated above.
In conclusion, although the two opposing views have its own strong points, I am of the opinion that banning sports which is dangerous should be given more importance due to the aforementioned reasons. (익혀두신 템플릿에서는 이렇게 되어있겠고, 이렇게 쓰더라도 어느정도 점수는 가능합니다. 단, 안정적인 6.5점 이상이 필요하거나, 나는 죽어도 7점 이상을 받아야한다 싶으면 단순히 이렇게 끝내는 게 아니라 내 의견에 대해 구체적으로 서술하실 수 있어야 합니다.)
총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
아마 작성하면서도 느끼셨겠지만, 본론 두 문단 모두 그렇게 근거가 풍부한 편은 아니므로 두 문단 다 한두줄은 보충해주시면 좋습니다. 또한 discuss both opinions 유형의 경우 결론에서는 단순 템플릿보다는 내 의견을 잘 적어주시는 게 좋고요. (모범답안들은 다 이렇게 되어있습니다. 대신, 지금처럼 템플릿 적용시키더라도 6점 정도는 괜찮기 때문에 저도 필수요소라고까지 말씀드리지는 않겠습니다.)
수고하셨습니다 :)