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In modern society, computers are being considered as an essential device for human life. With the development of computer and the Internet, the dependency on them has been strengthened continuously, and . 깁니다 끊어주세요 Besides, the large portion of our daily life such as work, entertainment, communication, commerce, etc., will be unable to proceed without computer. Accordingly, the dangers in case we cannot use computers are also soaring, and some experts emphasize that the government should taking more drastic action to prevent it. >> 글이 자연스럽게 진행되기 사람들이 컴퓨터에 의존하게 되면서 컴퓨터는 없어서는 안 될 존재가 됐다. 컴퓨터가 사라지면 불이익이 다가오고 정부는 적절한 조치를 취해야 한다 라는 식으로 문제 제기와 주장을 작성하고 본문에는 그 불이익에 대한 주요 내용, 설명, 예시 등을 들면 됩니다 The damages that occur when we cannot use computers are enormous and various >>본문의 첫 문장은 부사로 시작 후 주장을 씁니다 To begin with, ~~~ . Among them>>them이 뭐죠?, the economic aspect would be critical to our lives. Our People's economic activities would be impossible as the current economic system is based on a computer. From the infrastructure such as stock market, banking system, and exchange market to the daily commerce would immediately stop without computers.>> 주식시장이 사회기반시설에 들어가는건 아니라고 봅니다 Furthermore, as computers being used as the most common tool for communication, the interaction between people would be hindered broken. These problems may bring as disastrous situations that the function of our society is nearly dead>>??.
Even though that situation sounds like unimaginable, it is certainly possible to happen to us. The rapid development of hacking and computer virus support it. Therefore, the government should invest more budget and resource on cyber security. The current investment looks too smaller than a potential danger of a catastrophe. In addition, a plan delicate action plan for immediate reactions to recover from those accidents>>?? are necessary. The only group that has the resources and authority to do it is the government. >> Firstly, the thing the government should take a measure is ~~ 식으로 풀어나가면 좋을 듯 싶네요 첫 문장 역시 주장처럼 나와야 합니다 중심 문장이 문두에 나오는 방법을 택해주세요
In summary, the government should do more>> do what ? to prevent the disaster of computer problems considering its debacle,>> 콤마 빼주세요 주어가 같을 때만 콤마입니다 and the actions should be sooner.
아직은 에세이에 대해서 적응이 안 된 글로 보여지긴 합니다
주장을 먼저 한 줄로 간단히 쓰고 그 뒤에 주장에 대한 설명과 예시를 점점 디테일하게 작성해주는 연습을 해보시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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