▶ Your Answer :
There is an opinion that high-educated people deserve to receive much more annual salary than less educated high school graduate people at the cost of their expenses on school tuition fees ???. Although I adequately admit that they have a quality to be compensated, I totally disagree that people with a higher degree studied high-level should be paid a higher price than relatively low-educated people.
Nevertheless, to what extent I admit that people who studied in universities can require ??? the costs about their time and money used for their studying. This is because they are important high-quality human resources prepared for professional knowledge that is more demanded in modern society. They would be employed in the fields parts related to more complicated and difficult tasks such as science technology or medical research that are essential for a more developed future. <(science technology or medical research 보다는 더 general 한 표현을 쓰시는 것을 추천합니다. 과학적으로만 예시를 준다면 마치 모든 대학생은 이 field에서 일할 수 있는 것 처럼 들립니다. 또한 science technology는 task에 해당하지 않습니다.) Also, the fields that require required high-level knowledge are is more likely to be jobs followed by the burden of responsibility. For example, doctors and judges that have to study much more than any other jobs since they are assigned tasks associated with the others' lives directly in direct. <(내용이 inconsistent하고 문단을 다 읽은 후에는 무엇에 대해 읽었는지 헷갈립니다. 흐름에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
However, I confidently insist that college graduates necessarily should not earn more money than people who started to work earlier. We should not overlook the precious know-how accepted on the spots by experience experiencing events. These skills accepted by experiences would be more helpful and useful practical values in working places as well as they cannot be obtained through textbooks.<(굳이 textbook이 아니더라도 education은 hands on experience/education도 포함됩니다) In addition, there are many kinds of occupations that prefer to place a value on practical practicing skills rather than high-level knowledge. For instance, when we want to be a cleaner or a firefighter, we would try to be highly trained, experienced workers for our career instead of studying with books.
For the reasons mentioned above, I fully disagree with (this statement)<문맥상 statement가 무엇인지 아니면 정확히 무엇을 disagree하는지 써주시는게 좋습니다.)because the career acquired in the workplace and practicing abilities are efficiently valuable things for receiving enough money at the expense of their work.
Score: 5 Comment: 전체적인 흐름에 신경을 쓰셔야할 것 같습니다. 내용이 가끔씩 헷갈리게 들리고 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 도드라보이지가 않습니다. 또한 전체적으로 내용/글 정리가 필요한 글입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다.수고하셨습니다. |