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It is widely accepted that being a celebrity is one of the issues in the amongst young people. Everyone used to think about becoming a celebrity also I was too. From my point of view, I think that In my opinion, being a celebrity is more benefits rather than problems. This essay will discuss the benefits of being a celebrity. >> 테스크의 문제에서 나타난 부분과 상당히 단어가 많이 겹칩니다 어휘력이 좋지 못하단걸 광고하는 것입니다
There are some advantages of becoming a celebrity. Basically Firstly, they can earn high income highly.>> high income을 받는 데에 대한 설명 방송을 통해 선전을 통해 버는 등의 설명을 해주셔야 합니다 For example, according to Association of Korean entertainment, PSY, a Korean singer who became well-known person in this world, one of his musics video which called Gangnam Style is the most popular video on the YouTube in 2013. Since then, he has been earned income steadily till current till even today.
Secondly, they can live in luxurious life. Due to earn their high income, they have leisure time with their group>>?? 이 부분 역시 주장에 대한 설명을 써야하는 곳입니다. According to magazine in the USA, David Beckham, a soccer player, his one of his hobbies is collecting luxurious cars which are worth of more than $300,000 in US dollar and there are he also owns expensive houses in Beverly Hills. They>>?? are living in the quite ly different world against normal people.
To sum up, there are a few quite attractive benefits of being a celebrity, so more and more young people want to become a celebrity.>> 아주 조금의 이점이 있어서 애들이 유명인사가 되고 싶은건 아닙니다 However, just we just should remember that becoming a star is extremely hard, and also very stressful in their life style. Once you overcome the tough life, you can take a lot >> lots 는 구어입니다 of benefits as much as anyone cannot imagine. The more effort to become a star, the higher benefits you could get. >> the 비교급 형태는 문법상은 틀립니다 구어체에서 주로 사용되니 사용 자제해주세요
문법의 오류도 많았고 본론을 구성하는 데에도 많은 오류가 있었습니다 지적해드린 부분 보고 잘 고쳐보시길 바랍니다 같은 주제 같은 글로 수정해서 다시 올려주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
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