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It has been stated that having only a vegetable-oriented diet
is recommendable, (보통 쉼표는 흐름 조절의 의미에서 들어가지만, 이 쉼표는 문법상의 역할을 하므로 필수입니다.) for eating meat brings on unpleasant health conditions.
Although some insist that the idea is exaggerated, I think that becoming vegetarian
will exert a positive influence on humans' well-being.
To begin with, it is certain that there is a high possibility
to get numerous cardiovascular diseases by ingesting meat. As the human
consumption on meat is increasingly rising, the rate of people who pass away
due to heart diseases is (rate 와 호응이 되죠.) are being increased as well. To illustrate, by having
meat on a regular basis, a great amount of cholesterol is generated in human
blood vessels. Furthermore, the massive amount of cholesterol disturbs the active
blood circulation of heart in making blood thick, and eventually it causes
various heart illnesses such as heart failure, heart attack and such. Likewise,
having meat plays a significant role in causing cardiovascular illnesses.
On top of that, undoubtedly, meat-oriented diets are responsible
for the increased rate of obesity among the contemporary people. Fundamentally, meat has a high percentage of trans
fat as one of its nutrition, and this fat is the most key factor which allows
people to gain unnecessary fat in their body. Moreover, the reason why obesity
is fatal to human health is that it generates a great number of illnesses apart
from bad heart conditions, such as diabetes, difficulty with breathing, liver
or colorectal cancers. In this sense, it is obvious that intake of meat causes
obesity which brings about many deadly diseases. (이 문단의 경우 문법이나 어휘 관련해서 문제는 없지만, 내용상 수정이 필요합니다. 총평에서 그 이유에 대해 말씀드릴게요.)
To sum up, ingesting meat has the possibility of having a
variety of illnesses, mainly associated with heart health and obesity. In this
regard, I firmly believe that people should be encouraged to be vegetarians. |