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As the time passes by; , people face developing technologies, new electronic devices, >> 세개 이상의 나열 중 마지막 and 앞엔 콤마입니다 and new lifestyles>> 대쉬 없습니다. At this manner point, it is very difficult to avoid changes in our life-styles however however는 문장을 이어주는 기능이 없습니다 but 을 쓰던가 문장을 끊어 However, 로 시작해주세요 this has turned some people to feel tired of the fast-moving culture. In other words, the harsh competition>> 기술과 문화의 변화에서 갑자기 거친 경쟁이 나오면 이상합니다 to survive in the rapid culture 정도를 덧붙여주세요 between people in a society has put some of us down to stop.
As mentioned earlier; in the 21st century, it is almost impossible to live without having to face facing new stuffs. >> 주장은 간단하게 한 줄로 끝내고 그 다음 주장에 대한 설명을 해주세요 As individuality has become a key to success in work across the world of work. I , it may be challenging for some people to keep on trying new things out. but, in fact, it is now compulsory inevitable. For the people with high good qualifications to get a job, they are assessed by how much effort they make to learn, compared to others with similar qualifications. This means they have to appeal to the employers how they are different to others and how much they are better than others. Also, >> also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 such competitive circumstance improves the quality of the society we live in because the harsh mood provokes us to work harder. Without the mindset desperate to be an individual or a pioneer >> 문장 구조가 이상합니다 we are unlikely to be accepted as part of a member of the society.
However, being an individual may have limits in some areas of the world of work, generally in specialised jobs like such as lawyers and doctors where the accuracy & and consistency are the key to success rather than the individuality. People with these kinds of jobs may have to stick to the ‘rules’>> 따옴표 빼주세요 they follow, such as the medical procedures and old-fashioned mindset may be helpful in these areas.
In conclusion, I believe it is generally good to try to stand as an individual, no matter what our jobs are because it literally is literally a great contribution to the society we belong to. If the competition is excessively harsh, then the government may control this by reducing incentives to work. but However, >>깁니다 끊어주세요 this is usually unlikely to happen, as not all of us is always working hard.
토픽은 변화 자체를 말했습니다
본론1도 변화에 대한 얘기보단 새로운 기술없이 사는 것은 불가능하다 라는 식의 말을 썼는데
주장할 땐 문제 제기한 내용과 직접적으로 연관되어야 합니다
변화와 새로운 기술은 크게 보면 변화지만 상세하겐 발전입니다
기술의 발전으로 인한 변화가 사람들의 삶을 편하게 해준다 식의 말이 들어가는게 더 적절하다고 봅니다
본론2는 변화를 이 주제와 어떤 밀접한 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다
결론도 어떤 한 가지에 대한 확실한 말이 없이 엉성한 마무리라고 생각됩니다
글의 길이도 줄여주세요
문단 들여쓰기 등도 그래머에 포함됩니다 들여쓰기 해드렸습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |