It is widely accepted that having a part-time job is one of the issues among students; whether they are necessary or not. Some people believe that it could be helpful for them to have social experiences early in life, >> 반면에라는 뜻의 while은 앞에 콤마가 붙습니다 while other people claim that doing part-time jobs could have negative effects in terms of a educational problem. during that stage. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs and its impact on students.>> 단점, 장점 순으로 나열하고 본론에서 장점을 시작하는게 부드럽겠네요 왔다갔다 하는 것보다
There are some advantages of having part-time jobs. First, part-timers are able to learn the value of hard-earned money. Based on my experience, I had to work hard at a restaurant due to my family’s worsening financial condition financial burdens. At that time, I realized how harder it was to make money than to spend it. >> 주장 하나가 짧네요 주장에 대한 설명이 없네요 힘들게 번 돈의 가치를 배울 수 있다. 그렇게 번 돈은 쓰기 아깝거나 본인의 노력의 산물이라고 생각하기 때문이다 등의 내용으로 뒷받침해주고 예시를 드는게 좋습니다 그렇게 든다면 뒷 부분 모두 필요없습니다Second, they understand that it is important to organize things and manage time wisely. Due to the day job after school, obviously, they have to manage their time wisely. According to a Korean newspaper article , 65 percent of students who do part-time jobs achieve high scores in the exam. Therefore, having part-time jobs can be beneficial. >> 이 주장이 왜 굳이 풀 타임 코스를 듣는 학생들이 파트타임 잡을 하는 것에 대한 장점이 될까요? 제 생각으론 파트타임 잡을 구하면 그들이 배운 내용을 일에 실질적으로 적용 시키거나 미리 일에 대한 경험을 할 수 있다 식으로 쓰는게 적합해 보입니다
On the other hand, there is a disadvantage of having part-time jobs and that is to be easily tempted by the idea of making money. students cannot fully focus on their academic performances. University and high school levels are very important stages in a student's education. However, some students are focusing concentrating on making money rather than spending their time on studying. It could lead to receiving unacceptable and heartbreaking results when they have on their assignments and exams. Thus, students should analyze and know what they really need to do during this stage the student life.
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