▶ Your Answer :
These days, people tend to choose their jobs based on the level of salary. While Although money is important for our living, I do not agree with that money is the most important factor when choosing a career path.>> 서론 잘 쓰셨습니다
Admittedly, money is necessary in order for people to meet their essential needs. For example, people need money to pay for their food, clothing, and housing. Money is a realistic factor that allows them to have a reasonable quality of life and cover their needs. If people choose their jobs based on non-financial factors, it may >> 과거 동사의 if 절은 현재의 사실과는 반대되는 것입니다 반대라곤 보기 어려워 현재형을 썼습니다 be difficult for them to feed themselves. Artists and musicians, for example, are those who choose their career path that is interesting to them. But 문두에 but and or also so 는 쓰지 않습니다 However, 를 써주세요 it can be seen easily that they usually suffer from financial difficulty that makes their living hard.>>both views 를 제시하는게 아니라 동의하냐 안 하냐의 문제입니다 동의 하면 동의 내용 하지 않으면 하지 않는 내용으로 일관해야 합니다
Nevertheless, there are a range of other considerations taken by job seekers when they hunt their jobs. Firstly personal relationship with managers or colleagues within a corporate environment is what people are looking for when choosing a job. They will be happy to work if the atmosphere of the office is bright and positive due to friendly relationships among co-workers. Secondly, job satisfaction can also come from the level of achievements on their tasks, the position they reach, and experience they gain. How higher they can reach, what experience they would have, and whether they could achieve their goals are as important as money they earn. 위에서 말한 것과 같이 both views와 개인의 opinion을 제시하는 테스크가 아닙니다
In conclusion, since money is an essential consideration for basic needs seeking a job, it could be regarded as important. However, I believe money does not outweigh all other considerations.
서론을 보고 좋은 글이겠다 싶었지만
주제에서 요구하는 바를 벗어났네요
아쉽습니다 같은 주제로 다시 작성해보시거나 이 글에서 수정하셨으면 좋을 듯 싶습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |