▶ Your Answer :
It is true that there are problems with face to face communication as conversing with others involves more via electronic devices and the internet. our ability faced some problems which talk with others face to face because of more and more communicating via electronic devices and the Internet. While I can see how the ability of communication might be not lost if we use by computers and mobile devices, it is unrealistic to expect us to take over<(take over what?) from contacting face to face.<(thesis statement가 clear하지 않습니다. 글쓴이의 주장이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다)
We could think although we could communicate with others via electronic devices and the Internet, we will not lose face to face communication. could not lose the capability of communication than the way of face to face. Various ways of expressions and communication are developed among young people into the Internet everyday. The Internet and electronic device users who are sensitive to trends make their own expression methods such as new emoticons and neologies steadily, and they understand by their own style.<(이 내용이 갑자기 왜 나오는지 모르겠습니다) In addition, we believe that we do not lose the ability<(what ability?) because of the continued development of science and technology to help us communicate. If advanced video calls, a hologram, even a virtual reality will be realized, we would in no doubt talk with others naturally. <(내용이 inconsistent하고 coherence가 맞지 않습니다. 또한 전달하고자 하는 이야기가 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다)
However, their<(그들 이라는 단어를 쓰고 싶었던건지 아님 다른 말씀이고 싶었던건지 잘 모르겠습니다. their 이 맞다면 그들은 누군가요?) there statements can only be made to a certain points. This is because there is obviously far more to communication than just the expressions of text and emoticon.<??? When we meet and talk with others, we can feel fell the massive expressions of emotion from the intonation, facial expressions and eye contact with the other side. So it includes everything that communicates these feelings and expressions.<Does not make a connection> Therefore, if we are communicating via computers and smartphones more and more, we miss opportunities to meet people gradually and we can become withdraw, and isolate ourselves. A few days ago, I watched a the serious news that young people are increasing only looking at each their cell phone without talking, when they meet together.
For the reasons mentioned above, I totally agree that we are losing the ability to communicate with others face to face by using electronic devices and the Internet, because communication consists of an amount of emotions that has is no substitute.
Score: 4 Comment: 문법에 신경을 많이 써주셔야할 것 같습니다. 틀린 문법이 많을 분더러 많이 informal하게 들리고 헷갈리게 들립니다. 또한 1인칭이나 we, us 같은 인칭은 피해주시는게 좋습니다. diction이 한정된게 보입니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현들로 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 글쓴이가 전다하고자 하는 말이 무엇인지 잘 모르겟습니다. 내용상 흐름이 자꾸 끊깁니다. Coherence에 신경을 더 써주시면 될 것 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용 정리를 더 하시고 clarity에 improvement가 필요합니다. 이 내용이 왜 나왔는지 아니면 이 질문과 어떤 관련이 있는지 모르는 내용들이 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|