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There is disagreement regarding the issue of whether concentrating on a single skill is the best way to be succeed. Some people say that people who want to be succeed in a specific field should focus on a specific skill during their entire lives. On the other hand, others insist that people should require to acquire several skills because it provides people who have various skills have more opportunities as well as help enhance creativity as well as people get more creativity by acquiring other kills. My opinion is totally belonged to the latter.
To begin with, opportunities from those who acquire diverse skills would lead to more possibility to be (be 를 쓰려면 succeed 가 아닌 successful 이 와야 합니다. 한국인 수험생들이 많이 틀리는 사항이므로 주의해주세요~) succeed. To be more specific, even though people want to achieve success in a special field, they should raise creativity by learning skills from other fields. In Korea, for instance, there are some of athletes who are well-known not only domestically but also internationally. They tried to speak foreign language fluently although learning language was not the field which they want to be succeed. As a result, by doing so, they could grab international opportunities such as being inviting to other countries and getting interview as means of being famous. This shows that learning other skills is directly related to achieve success.
Moreover, most people in nowadays reckon that creativity is a vital viral key to be succeed since all of successive people mention every successful person mentioned that success is based on creativity. This is a good example that, in Europe, there are lots of renowned artists always drawing pictures in their head first and then painting with their hands. They mention that this process helps themselves boost creativity which make their artworks be famous. This show that creativity is a essential factor and get only from other skills. (이 문장이 중요한 건데, 정작 위에서 쓸데없이 창의성의 중요성에 대해 언급하느라 핵심을 설명할 분량이 없어졌습니다. various skills 쪽에 더 주목해주세요~)
In conclusion, even though people want to be succeed in a specific field, they should acquire other skills including a specific skill various skills because it leads to getting more opportunities, which are opportunity, which is relevant with success, and becoming more creative creativity, which is a crucial key to be succeed.
첨삭 매번 너무 감사드려요. 시험 준비하는데 있어서 많은 도움 받고 있어요! 제 목표 점수는 6.5이고 다음달 중순에 시험을 보려고 해요. 그런데 제가 서론을 작성하는데 있어서 제너럴 공부할 때부터 some people~, others say~ , my opinion~ 이런 방식으로 쓰는게 습관이 되어서 고치기가 쉽지가 않네요ㅠㅠ 바꿔보려고 하니까 시간도 오래 걸리더라구요ㅠㅠ 혹시 이러한 서론 작성 방식이 안 좋은 습관일까요?
다시 한번 너무너무 감사드려요!
평소라면 6.5 받으실 수 있겠는데, 이번 글 한정으로는 5점대를 걱정해야 할 상황이므로, 이번 글에서 문제가 되었던 사항들은 반드시 개선해주세요~
서론의 경우 저렇게 작성하는 것은, 유형과의 적합성 관련 문제도 있지만, 이 외에도 너무 암기한 티가 팍팍 나기 때문에 고득점에는 도움이 되지 않습니다만...바꾸는 데에 오래 걸리시면 어쩔 수 없죠~
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