The given chart illustrates the amount of salt ingested by six
different age groups in US, measured in milligrams.
Overall,
it is clear that US tend to consume more salt than the recommended amounts of
adults except for people who under 6. Furthermore, the figures of salt
consumption for male were higher than that for female in every age groups.
Looking
at the chart in more detail, the amount of salt intake was varied according to
each male age group. The figure for male people aged between 20 to 29 showed
the biggest amounts with around 4,500mg while that for boys under 6 years old was
the lowest among male groups with 2,000mg approximately. Males aged from 6 to 11
and over 60 ingested the same amount of salt as 3,500mg and remaining groups
for male also showed a similar amount at around 4,000mg.
When it comes to
the salt consumption for female groups, most of figures showed a similar amount
of salt intake around 3,000mg. However, females aged over 60 years old ingested 3,500mg
which was the same amount with the recommended level for adults. Meanwhile, the
amount of salt consumed by girls under the age of 6 was the least compared to all figures
in the given data with under 1,500mg.
총평: (7/7/6/7) 7.0
내용상으로는 잘 써주셨습니다. 크게 건드린 부분은 없고, 두 가지만 말씀드릴게요.
1. Overview 에서 엄밀히 따지면 60세 이상 여성들도 평균보다 높은 수치를 섭취하는 건 아니라 6세쪽과 마찬가지로 따로 빼주시는 게 좋습니다.
2. 이에 비해 특히 단어 쪽에서는 amount 등 그 친구가 그 친구라서 조금 더 다양한 표현의 활용이 필요하고요.
수고하셨습니다 :)