The pursuit of wealth has become the main motivation for many business owners nowadays.
Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
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It is a common belief that the chasing of riches encourage many business owners, and it affects a good development in society. (여기의 경우 엔터키를 따로 치지 않습니다. 이것도 점수에 들어가니까 주의해주세요!)
However, there is a more persuasive argument that the act of accumulating wealth has a negative effect negatively affects that can lead to financial crimes by some people who think bad ideas.
On the one hand, national economy can grow fast when companies have motivation about making a lot of money. The desire to acquire wealth people to make business more successful. The success of company contributes greatly to the development of the national economy. Take the example of Samsung, which is the biggest company in Korea, and this company also has been growing up. This not only make company bigger and creates job for company, (짧은 기간 내에 company 가 벌써 네 번 쓰였으므로, 곤란합니다. 최소 두 번은 꼭 동의어를 활용해주세요! but also helps country's business grow by selling products such as stocks and paying taxes on exports.
Nevertheless, the wrong ways of making money would lead to financial crimes. Some owners tempt to skirt laws for money because these actions such as stock investment fraud, real estate illegal speculation and loan fraud, which could endanger citizens belonging to the their country. Hundreds of swindlers such as small company's owner or paper company's owner are caught by police every year, and the main reason of their crime is the main reason to crime is that they can easily earn money and save a lot of money at one time with only a few fake documents and equipments, which has led to an exponential increase in number of victims, which damages also amounts to hundreds of billions of dollars. These problems have an adverse effect on society as a whole.
To sum up, while there are some positive development to business owners pursuing wealth, it is evident that the negative development of making money illegally on becoming rich outweigh them.
총평: (6/5/7/6) 6.0
마찬가지로 실전에서 이 글이 그대로 제출되었다면 6.0은 어찌저찌 맞춰질 겁니다. 단, 지금 당장 실전을 치르시면 이정도로 제한시간에 쓰실 수 없겠고요.
또한 이전 글과 동일하게 현재 사용하고 계신 템플릿은 discuss both 쪽에 특화되었고, 현재의 논제는 둘 중 하나를 골라서 이에 대한 서술을 하기를 원합니다. 그러니까 특히 서/결론을 무조건 하나의 형식으로 때려박으려하면, 시험장에서 '제발 discuss both 가 나와라' 라고 기도해야하는 상황이 생길 수 있으니 다양한 유형에 맞는 틀을 대비해놓으셔야하고, 본론의 경우도 두 개가 나왔다고 해서 기계적으로 둘 다 적는 게 아니라, 논제가 요구하는 바에 따른 능동적인 대처를 해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)
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소요시간 45분. 전보다 약간 줄었습니다.
대신 아웃라인은 책의 도움 조금 받았습니다.
항상 첨삭해주시고 문제점 보완하는대 도움을 주셔서 감사합니다.