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It is widely accepted that flourish countries try to help poor countries. But(문장을 and, so, but 으로 시작하는 것을 피해주세요) the way that flourish countries afford wealth to poor countries is not the perfect solution for developing nations to escape poverty. Thus, flourish countries need another way to help poor countries. I completely agree with this notion and I think flourish countries afford should provide not only money but also the way to make money.(flourish countries 보다는 developed countries 혹은 rich nations , rich countries 정도로 써주시는 것이 더 자연스러울 것 같습니다.) First of all, I believe if flourish countries build factory and teach how to management the factory for poor countries, the poor countries can earn money them self on their own. For management of the factory, they have to employee employ the poor countries’ people. And(문장을 and, so, but 으로 시작하는 것을 피해주세요)as the factory works well, the people who hired the factory employees could make earn money. For example, if poor countries learned management how to operate the factory, they could management new other factories. So they could built and management build and manage new factories after earning money from the first factory. (첫 두 문장을 봤을 때는 부자 국가가 가난한 국가에 공장을 짓고 가난한 국가의 국민들을 고용하는 것으로 이해가 되는데, 이후 문장에서는 갑자기 가난한 국가 자체가 operate factory 하는 것으로 살짝 방향이 틀어진 것 같습니다. 그 사이의 연결고리가 필요할 것 같아요) Secondly, to afford high quality education to poor countries’ students is needed by rich countries. As much as they learn, the chance to find way that how to make poor countries to rich will be rise increase. The educated students could become adults who can make the country wealthy. For example, as much as they learn, they could see the countries more logically. So they will find the problem of the poverty and solve the problem smartly. To conclude, I strongly believe that flourish countries teaching the way that how to make money to poor countries is more effective than just give granting them money. (본론의 핵심 두 내용을 다시 한 번 요약해서 보여주세요. 지금 써주신 부분은 첫 번째 본론 문단만 포괄하고 있고 두 번째 본론 문단의 핵심 내용은 포괄하고 있지 않은 듯 합니다.) Just give giving money to poor countries could help them just for one-time. |