Writing task 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
You should write at least 250 words.
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It is true that, most of people in different parts of the world listen to one or more types of music from another country. There are valid reasons behind these choices of music. It will be discuss both side of view. This essay will discuss both views and present my own opinion (일단 문법만 수정해드리면 이렇게 됩니다만, 총평에서 말씀드릴 거지만 지금 유형 파악 자체가 잘못되었습니다. 자세한 건 밑에서 설명드릴게요.)
On the one hand, some people prefer to listening the international music rather then traditional music. First of all, when people listen the international music such as K-pop and J-pop they can learn other countries music trend and culture. To be specific, music is not just listen to something a lot of different countries and races can feel other countries culture by listening the various foreign music. More over, it is also helps to learn money from the tourism industry. For example, most of young foreigners travel to South Korea because they are fascinated by K pop and these eventually increase state funds. (여기도 총평을 참고해주시면 됩니다.)
On the other hand, people say I personally believe it is more important to be interested in traditional music. First and foremost, recently not only young people but also elders are not interested in traditional music. If these phenomenon keep continues, they will be forget their beautiful traditional music it, and this does not just end up forgetting music, it can cause confusion about their identity. Also, if people have a constant interest in traditional music they can feel confidence about their own music culture. Ultimately it can occur positive effects, in that people would be to proud of their music culture.
'As it has been demonstrated, although there are some positive aspect that people follow the music trend to listen to international music however, (여기는 '음악이 필요한 이유' 에 관해서 서술해주시면 됩니다.) I opine that traditional music have more bright sides compared to rather then international music.
글자수: 272 자
소요시간: 48분
이전 점수: 6.0
목표 점수: 6.0 ~ 6.5
외부 도움: 잘모르는 단어 몆개를 단어책에서 찾아봤습니다.
다음 시험: 4월 7일.
Ps.
both point of view 를 많이 안다뤄봐서 특히나 좀 맥락을 잡는데 오래 걸리는것 같습니다,,,좀더 연습해서 다음에는 더 빨리 쓰도록 노력하겠습니다. 매번 이렇게 첨삭해주셔서 정말 너무 감사드립니다. ^^b
총평: (4/5/6/5) 5.5
지금 논제 파악이 잘못되었는데, 이런 참사가 나지 않도록 주의해주셔야합니다. 현재 글은 both point of view 와 아무런 상관이 없습니다. 논제를 자세히 읽어보시면, Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? 라고 되어있죠. 그러면 이 두 개의 질문에 대해서 각각 답변을 해주시면 됩니다. 즉 본론1에는 음악이 필요한 이유를, 본론2에는 둘 중 뭐가 더 중요한지를 넣으시면 되는 것이죠. 항상 논제를 꼼꼼하게 읽고 대응해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)