Your Answer ▼ Humans and the environment have coexisted for a long time. Also humans have destroyed the environment for their a lot of their benefits. However, damaged environment causes various climate changes and there are many people who think that people have to stop destroying the environment and recover the environment (여기도 이전 글의 인터넷과 같은 맥락입니다. 충분히 대체가 가능한데 동일 문장 내에서 두 번 쓸 필요는 없어요. 한번 어떻게 바꿔야 할지 고민해서 꼭 직접 수정해보세요! 제가 바꿔드리는 건 금방이지만, 이러한 수정의 과정을 거치면서 실력 향상이 이루어집니다. 혹시 어떻게 바꿔야할지 모르시겠다면 댓글 한번 주세요~) to stop the climate changes. (<----- 이전 글에서도 서론이 너무 길다고 말씀드렸는데, 여기도 마찬가지입니다. 본론에 집중되어야 할 시간이 아깝게 서론에서 낭비가 되고 있어요. 화살표 이전 부분을 대폭 간추려주세요~아예 다 날려버리는 것도 가능합니다. 어차피 중요한 건 뒷 문장들이니까요. 절대 서론이 글의 중심이 되어서는 안 됩니다.) Some people demonstrate that all people should participate in the recovery of nature the environment recovering but other people assert that individuals cannot have much influence, trying have not any effects and only governments and large businesses can achieve the goal. There are many opinions about the topic but I strongly believe that all people have to join the recovering. There are many reasons why I argue that. At first, it is clear that trash production is a huge cause of environmental pollution. Also, it is more relative with individuals rather than governments. Not only that, but too much consuming consumption of energy such as electricity and fossil fuels is also one of the cause to environmental pollution. Therefore, if people do not try these kinds of the environment destroy, (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) it is very helpful for recover the environment.
One the other hands, it is true that the environment pollution have more affected governments and industries than citizens. According to scientific research, the biggest cause of carbon dioxide emissions is industries. An abnormally huge amount of carbon dioxide bring the ozone layer destruction and global warming. (여기는 산업이 환경 파괴에 가장 큰 책임이 있기 때문에 이 문단에 넣어주신 건가요? 여기도 앞뒤 문맥 관련 설명을 댓글로 넣어주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) Also, it is undeniable that when governments and major companies project the environment recovering programs, the programs could be much effective than other the efforts of individuals trying. ('왜' 개인이 하는 것보다 정부나 대기업이 하는 게 중요한지를 적어주셔야합니다. 앞서 서론에서 불필요한 발단 과정을 적는 대신에 이쪽에 집중해주시면 돼요.) In conclusion, the essay argued that why all people have to participate the environment recovering with several reasons. (이유를 언급해주세요~) |