Topic: Some people say that devoting one's time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one's time to work is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
In
the past, people tended to focus on work. However, recently, they pursue a
work-life balance, so they try to find a job that guarantees this the balance. With
this trend, it is said that spending one’s time with their family is more
significant than in their workplace. However, I firmly believe that investing
time at work is still more important since work can contribute to the improvement
of quality of life, and the diversity of family activities.
It
is undeniable that family activities can strengthen a family bond, which causes each member (family 반복의 방지 차원에서의 수정이라고 보시면 되겠습니다.) family members to feel happiness. In addition to working hours, people mainly
spend their time with their family. Therefore, family activities have a crucial
role in determining their emotion. According to a survey, people who have
difficulty with their families tend to have an uneasy feeling. (그 이유에 대해서 간략하게나마 적어주시는 게 좋습니다.) This
demonstrates that family activities are directly related to individuals’
sentiment.
Nevertheless, work can satisfy the most significant factors in lives: food, clothing and shelter. The work gives people a reward, which is usually money. In fact, without money, we cannot do anything. Even for the family activities, if we do not have financial resources, the activities will be limited. For instance, most of the family activities are a trip. In order to go on a trip, we should have enough money. (English King님 정도 영어 실력이면 이 두 문장은 충분히 하나로 매끄럽게 이을 수 있을 겁니다.) As this case reveals, everything can be realised with money
In conclusion, it is unquestionable that passing time with households can assist in emotional stability. Nonetheless, it is evident that people should concentrate on work rather than their family so as to do family activities.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
자잘한 사항을 제외하고 보면 크게 문제되는 사항은 없었습니다. 위의 빨간 부분도 필수라기보다 대부분 권장 정도에 가깝고요.
대신 조금 더 안정적인 7점이 필요하시면 (특히 task 1에서 자신이 없다 싶으면), 1. 암기된 티를 줄이거나, 2. discuss both 유형에서 결론 강화에 집중하는 것.
의 두 가지에 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)