Your Answer ▼ The fact that people who get into debt are increasing gradually with buying unnecessary things, has been caused by the development of social networking services. This is because people enjoy purchasing to show to others. This essay will discuss more in-depth causes of this trend before presenting some solutions. The primary cause is that people nowadays share products which they buy with friends in the online. (일단 online 이 단독으로 쓰일 때에는 the 는 붙지 않고, 또한 '공유' 라는 점에 대해서 조금 더 명확한 표현이 필요합니다. 물건을 같이 쓰는 건 아니므로, 샀다는 점 자체를 공유한다, 등 구체적으로 적어주셔야 해요. 물론 뒤에 어느정도 설명이 되어있긴 하지만, 이 문장 내에서도 명확한 표현이 필요합니다.) To be specific, as the social media such as Instagram or Youtube is enhanced, many people update photos about the items and this uninentionally forces them to buy more expensive and valuable vaulable things. As they buy expensive items more and more, they feel respected by friends or coworkers. Another important reason is that the public's attention have been changing that enjoying the present play a significant role in living (change 가 있으면, 단순히 어떻게 변했는지에 대해서만 그치는 게 아니라 무엇으로부터 변했는지에 대한 설명도 간략하게 넣어주셔야 합니다.). For instance, some people think that it is important for them to live happily at the moment. Therefore they excessively buy things and they are not afraid of burdening debt because the gaining of enough happiness weighs more to them due to gaining enough happiness.
Then, how can we solve these issue? (연설문의 대본을 쓰는 과정이 아닌, 에세이를 쓰는 과정이므로 의문형은 사용하지 말아주세요~) There are several ways to this. First of all, the state should encourge the public to gather money. To be precise, the bank can benefit from these who gather money so the bank have to raise rate of interest. Moreover, the nation should regulate advertisements which cause buying things do not need. Most importantly, people will should reduce the use of social networking service. They should have hobbies which do not require the use of the internet. They also should check income and buying pattern. According to the pattern, they should make their buying lists.
To conclude, from the above, in other to control the issues mentioned in previous paragraphs, it seems vital for the state, individuals to combine their efforts and share the responsibility. (서론, 결론 중 최소 한 문단에는 해결책에 대한 어느정도 구체적인 요약이 되어야 합니다.)
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