Art should be a compulsory class for high school students.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some teaching professionals believe that art should be an essential subject in high school. They assert that art class can give many advantages that academic subjects cannot impart. I support this idea because by introducing art class, a lot of students can express their emotions and discover hidden talents.
Firstly, art class allows students to
express their emotions because by drawing and appreciating pictures at art
class, then they can express various feelings and opinions. It is a well-known
fact that students who learn how to draw and appreciate pictures are likely to
express their emotions more often than who are not. For example, the
research conducted by Queensland University showed that students who take are
class in high school expressed much more their emotions than pupils who don’t
have are class in their school. As this shows, it is clear that art class has
many positive effects on expressing emotions. Therefore, there is the need that
high schools have to add art subject in their curriculum. (이 문단은 '미술 수업은 감정 표출/표현에 도움이 된다' 는 문장을 표현만 바꿔서 다섯 번이나 반복하고 있습니다. 즉 근거는 전혀 없는 문단이죠. 미술 수업이 '어떻게' 감점 표현에 도움이 되는지를 구체적으로 서술해주세요~)
Moreover, art class should be mandatory
because it gives a chance to find unknown artistic abilities, and even there are
students who live without knowing if they have artistic talents. Many experts
believe that by adding art class in high school curriculum, the number of
students who find their artistic talents will become increase. For instance, if
high school starts teaching art with academic subjects, students can expand
their academic sights. For this reason, high schools around the world need to
start teaching art in the curriculum.
In conclusion, it is evident that art class
helps students to find talents and express hidden emotions. (본론의 순서대로 언급해주시면 됩니다. 즉 둘은 바꿔주시면 돼요.) For these reasons, I
believe that art class needs to be mandatory for pupil’s well-round
developments..
총평: (5/6/6/7) 6.0
빨간 부분이 거의 없는 것을 통해 볼 수 있듯이 표현상 문제는 크게 없었습니다. 문법은 이정도면 깔끔하다고 볼 수 있고요. 그러나 문제는 내용 전개가 전혀 되고 있지 않다는 점입니다. 이 글의 양대 축인 재능 발견과 감정 표현과 관련해서, 본론에서 그 내용을 언급한 다음에는 이에 대해 점진적으로 구체적으로 들어갈 수 있어야 합니다. 비슷한 말을 돌려서 계속 말하는 게 아니라, 항상 내가 말하고자 하는 바에 '왜' '어떻게' 를 생각하면서 구체적인 살을 붙일 수 있도록 해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)