> > 2011-04-19 06:08:23, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ You should spend about 40 minutes on this task ■ Present a written argument or case to an educated reader no special knowledge of?the?following topic ■ You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant ???evidence ■ You should write at least 250 words | |
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Topic : Many people now have personal computers, and the use of electronic service such as the internet is becoming more widespread. Some parents are concerned about children using the internet to gamble or buy goods on credit.
How can access to electronic services be controlled? | |
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Developing Development of computers has been changing people's life so much. Numerous of electronic services are available on the internet, like electronic commercial business. These services make populace's life conveniently, but it is true that using of electronic services need some effective controls. make people`s life (more ) convenient, ~ / the use of electronic services
People deal with a lot of businesses through the internet easily, and it aids help to save time and money. Just several clicking makes dealings, what people need for this is only some identity information and credit cards.
Personal information and credit cards are required for people to make a deal (with others)
In this From my point of view, definitely it is definitely quite convenient, but there are some serious problems as a result of that. consequently
Nowadays, the identity theft through the electronic services is an enormous problem, and this correlates with money significantly, because of the leak of information on credit cards. Moreover, as it I mentioned above in topic, * it is really attractive to children, who do not have sufficient attention to realize right and wrong, gambling or purchasing stuffs on credit. This circumstance shows the leak of the adult confirmation system too.
as it is mentioned, 도 문법적으로 가능하겠지만 일반적으로 이렇게 수동으로는 쓰지 않으므로 as I mentioned / as I have mentioned 처럼 쓰세요.
* it 가주어 to 진주어 인데 중간에 수식어구가 길게 들어갔네요 그럼 to gamble or purchase stuff on credit. 으로 해야죠. stuff 는 s 를 붙이지 않습니다. all my stuff.
또 내용상 on credit 은 외상으로라는 뜻이므로 by credit cards 가 좋겠네요.
It is really attractive for children, who do not know which is right or wrong, to gamble or purchase stuff by credit cards.
People should be careful not to use spill their pass words, and parents should not give any chances to children to using use their information. Parents should pay more attention to children have attention more, and sometimes it is necessary to check connected web-sites by children.???? Furthermore, governments should enhance the security of adult confirmation systems with by preparing strong regulation for electronic services.
* Parents ~ and they should not allow children to use their personal information. In conclusion, I believe that in spite of the useful using of the electronic services, it is essential to have attention.
Individuals should be careful the identity information by themselves to protect for not only oneself, but also children.
Not only adults, but children also should protect their private information by themselves.
In addition, governments should enhance regulations, and they should have responsibilities for internet services.
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많아서 어디 빼먹었는지도 모르겠네요. 질문 있으면 남겨주세요.
한달전에 모의 테스트 치고 5점 받았는데.. 제자리걸음 인가요..ㅜㅜ
시험 딱 한달 남았는데 갈 길이 멀고도 험난하네요.. 무엇이 저의 시급한 문제인가요..?
우선 문법이 약하세요, 기본적인 문법부터 차근하게 공부하시고 숙어를 함께 외우세요. 같이 쓰이는 동사와 품사 등 그리고 에세이에 자주 나오는 표현을 익히세요. 단, 변화를 준다고 해서 원래 짝을 마음대로 바꾸어서는 안됩니다, 물론 가능한게 있고 바꾸어서 어색한게 있습니다. 동사를 외울땐 뒤에 ~ing가 오는지 동사 원형인지 어떤 단어와 짝을 이루는지 같이 공부해야합니다. 아이엘츠를 한번에 끈낼게 아니시라면, 시간이 걸려도 이런식으로 공부하는게 좋습니다. 물론 독서도 많이 해야죠. 그래야 쓰기에 도움 됩니다. 하지만 문법 오류 없이(약간은 괜찮음) 내용도 잘 가꾸고 반복이 조금 있더라고 고급단어를 쓰지 않아도 6.5 ~7.0 까지는 받을 수 있습니다.
예를 들면, play an important role in ~ pay attention to ~ be devoted to N / ~ing 등등
6개월 어학연수 중에 수업에 체계가 없는것 같아 시험반으로 전환했다가,
선생님 필기체때문에 도대체 첨삭을 알아볼 수가 없어서 미쳐버리는 줄 알았는데
10장 써낸것 보다 해커스 한장 첨삭이 값지네요.. 감사합니다..ㅜㅜ
기본도 탄탄하지않은데, 어휘도 약하고, 같은 단어 반복은 피해야겠고 뜻만 대강 아는 단어를 막 끼워넣차니,
이상한 문장이되고.. 쉽게, 정확하게, 의미 전달하는데 집중하는게 저에게 가장 중요한 포인트일까요..?
네, 쉽게 정확하게 전달하고 어느정도의 포맷을 갖추고 본론에서 시작에 자신의 주장을 분명히 밝히고 서포트 하는 내용을 잘 쓰면 6.0정도 받는데 무리는 없을 겁니다. 그리고 문장의 흐름을 더 자연스럽게 연결시키는데 중점을 두세요. 적절한 접속사나 부사를 쓰면서 말이죠.