More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life, but city life can be extremely difficult. Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?
Nowadays, many people living in rural areas are migrating to urban cities to get/live a better life. In this essay, I will be discussing the ideas of how governments should make the life in a city better for everyone.
* 도입부가 조금 짧은 느낌이 있구요. 주제에서 써 준걸 그대로 쓰기보다는 moving to 라던지 단어를 바꾸어 주는게 좋겠습니다.
There are many reasons (for people) to moveing into cities these days. However, living in a city can be extremely difficult and there are numbers of a number of drawbacks. Firstly, the traffic matter can be considered as one of the main disadvantages. The cities are very busy and crowded. Therefore, there are many is a lot of traffic congestions. The roads are always full of cars and buses, and this can cause air pollution.a polluted air. Polluted air is not only bad for our health, but also it makes our clothes get dirty easily as well. Secondly, there are tones of several criminals in urban areas. Living in cities can be a lot rougher and harder because of criminals. A numbers of crimes are happening in cities compared to the countryside. Also, most of the people in cities do not care about their neighbours. It is very rare that neighbours know each other because they only care about themselves such as their own jobs, careers and happiness.
In spite of these drawbacks, the reasons why so many people are trying to migrate to cities are as follows. can be considered as in the following. In rural areas, the educational resources are less developed as well as there is not enough health care system. Usually, people move to the a city to get better educations because the schools in the cities have a lot improved facilities and better qualified teachers. To make urban life better (for everyone), people from in rural areas should stop emigrating as there are extremely many people living in cities nowadays. Governments should really try hard to supply better facilities and better job places vacancies / workplace, and they have to take care of people (who are) living in the countryside.
* as well as 의 경우 앞이 절이면 뒤에도 절로 이어져야하구요. 더 나은 시설공급이나 일자리 같은 것을 제공해야한다는 해결책이 처음 나오는데 앞부분에 먼저 써 놓고 그에 대한 예를 들으셔야합니다.
In conclusion, I believe that governments should focus more on developing rural areas and help people get a better life living in there. The urban areas and rural areas should be balanced out well for everyone to have improved their life.
토픽에서 요구하는 것은 ' 도시생활의 단점과 정부의 해결 방안' 인데 문제점이 많이 나열된 반면 해결책에 대한 언급이 비교적 적습니다. 마무리에서도 간단하게 정리해서 언급해줄 필요가 있습니다.
예상점수 꼭좀 부탁드려요... 이 에세이 점수 5는 넘을까요..?
하지만, 이정도면 5점은 충분히 넘기구요. 이 정도를 쓰시면 6점대도 생각해 봅니다. 반복을 줄이고 어휘를 늘리면 그 이상도 되겠죠. 오프토픽 조심하시구요.