In general terms, it can be clearly seen that Denmark and Canada had considerably more Internet users than Greece during this 15-year period. By contrast, Greece had fewer users, which was close to the world average, but the figures for both Greece and the world average gradually increased as those for others did throughout the period shown.
Looking at the graph in more detail, in 1998, about 27 thousand people in Canada used the Internet, compared to approximately 22 and 2 thousand users in Denmark and Greece. (특별한 이유가 있지 않는 한 순서는 작은 것부터 적어주시면 됩니다.) Between 1998 and 2003, the number of the Internet users in Denmark almost quadrupled from 23,000 to 95,000 (23,000 으로 쓰든, 23 thousand 로 쓰든 상관은 없습니다. 대신 하나를 골랐으면 그걸 글 내내 유지해주세요!), which led the figures for this country to surpass those for Canada. And (문장을 and but so 로 시작해서는 안 됩니다.) there was a rise of elevenfold and threefold in the number of users in Canada and Greece respectively.
By 2013, the figures for Denmark had seen a steady ascent although the growth had been slow, which was close to the those for Canada. Also the number of users in Greece had continued to grow. Meanwhile, the figures for the world average experienced a consistent climb over the whole timeframe and the gap between it and others had narrowed at the end of the period. (이 문단에서도 어느정도 구체적인 수치 표현을 해주세요~)
총평: (7/6/7/8) 7.0
잘 써주셨습니다. 일단은 영어 실력에 해당하는 문법/어휘가 정말 압도적으로 탄탄하게 다져있기 때문에, 내용에서 정말 말아먹지 않는 이상 7점 밑으로 떨어질 각은 안 보이네요. (단, 현재 문장들을 스스로 무에서 창조하셨다는 가정 하에 드리는 말씀입니다. 모범답안을 필사하신 거면 아무런 의미가 없고요.)
분석도 잘 해주신 편이라, 지금 당장 시험을 치르셔도, 시간 문제가 없는 전제 하에는 충분히 좋은 점수를 받으실 겁니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)