There is no doubt that most of people use the computers in this society. However, the issue of whether or not using a computer have negative effects has become a controversial debate in our community. (sentence structure가 틀렸습니다 -> the issue of whether or not negative effects of using computers has become a controversial debate in our community.)
Some argue that there should be control on using a computers everyday should be controlled, however others disagree with this idea.This essay will discuss both sides of the issue and my opinion will be presented in the conclusion part.
On the one hand, (첫 body를 on the other hand로 시작하는 것이 좀 어색한거 같아요. First of all, Firstly 정도로 시작해 주세요) there are strong arguments which support the idea that using a computer everyday have has more negative effects than positive ones. In the first place (awkward!), it is true that computers might have negative effects on to eyesight. That is, there are more children take the glasses (wear glasses가 맞는 표현입니다) than before. Nowadays, most of children are using a computers everyday and according to survey (what survey? If you are unsure of what survey you are referring to, do not write "survey" for your reference.), many children are using the computers more than two hours everyday. Furthermore,it is also (furthermore 와 also를 한 문장에 굳이 같이 쓸 필요 없습니다) true that people do not read a books often compared with before. (awkward!) In other words, they cannot take the wisdom which we could take from the good books. (take wisdom? awkward. learn wisdom) Lastly, people easily tend to be self-centeredness self-centered For example, they can do almost (word order! -> almost do) things through the computer such as chatting,playing with somone by computer. (more explanation needed. Why these things make people more self-centered?)
On the other hand,using a computer also have has many positive effects.
The first reason is that we can take a lot of information through the computer. This is because we can easily contact (contact who? clarify.) all around the world by computer. Another reason is that, computer makes people conveniently convenient. For example, even though we do nott go to the market,we can buy almost things we need. (example이 부족합니다. 하나정도 더 써주세요)
After looking at both sides, my conclusion is that using a computer everyday is unnecessary in general because there are more harms than benefits. Howeve it is also true that, computer has positive things. (summarize what you have mentioned about postive aspects of using computers) Therefore, the government should introduce policies that people can control their time on using a computer.
정관사 쓰는 법을 확실히 하셔야겠네요. a/the
awkward한 문장이 많습니다.
그리고 using computers 라는 말이 계속 반복되니까 다른 표현으로 써보세요
그래야 에세이가 풍성해보입니다.
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