Nowadays, people have to survive from so many competitions such as study, sports and so on since elementary students. Some people argue that teacher should teach how to compete while others claim that juvenile are taught about how to relate with companions. (-> juveniles should be taught how to acquaint with others.) I strongly believe that for children, live (->living) in harmony is more useful way to become good adults than fight (-> fighting / 사실 competing 이 더 맞는 거 같아요) with friends. This essay will discuss the both of the views and my opinions of the latter.
To begin with, There are some advantages of competing, it could be useful when they are adults, because society is collection of contests. For example, when I worked in a company. (문장을 이렇게 끝내면 어색해요. period 대신에 comma 찍고 문장 하나를 더 이어주세요) One of the coworkers always needed my assistance, so I helped him even though I had a lot of my works (-> I had a lot to do) and he did not help my work (-> me) when I needed him (-> his) support. Finally, he got a promotion early than (-> earlier than) me, because he could finished many works by me. (awkward -> he could finish because of my help) If I did not help him, I could have BEEN promoted instead of him. Thus, society is cruel to people who do not know about competition.
On the other hand, children who are thought (->taught) to work together are more likely to be good adults in personality. (-> when it comes to one's personality.) They have more good mind (awkward) than people who grew (-> grow) up in competitive circumstances. In my opinion, there is no humanism (음. 틀린건 아닌데 humanity가 나을거 같네요) to encourage children to compete each others. (-> other) Human instinct is always want to collaborate with others. (awkward -> Men always collaborate with others by nature.) According to researchers, Human beings feel happy and satisfaction, when they think living in a harmony. Finally, they who grow up in co-operative society could become good character adults. (-> adults with good characters)
Overall, the both sides of the topic have their own strong points but I agree with the latter. The more co-operation children learn the more good adults they will become.
동사 형태/시제를 많이 틀리셨어요. 그리고 support idea가 약합니다. 글을 더 쓰라는것이 아니고 both sides에 대한 설명이 약하다는 말이에요. 전체적인 structure는 잡히신거 같으니 안의 contents에 더 신경쓰시면 좋을거 같습니다! |