선생님의 첨삭과 조언, 링크걸어주신 내용을 읽고나서 원래쓰던 방식의 구조를 버리고 써보았습니다 감사합니다.
Every year several languages die out. Some people
think that this is not important because life will be easier of there are
fewer languages in the world. To what extant do you agree or disagree with this
opinion? |
It is common belief that the disappearance of disappearing some
languages can adversely affect to the world. However, there is an opposite argument
that languages died dying out can bring integration for advanced development.
There are some reasons that fewer languages
in the world can make positive effects. First of all, it is an opportunity to unite
each other countries together. Disappearing languages makes active communication with same languages so that many people can help to develop worldwide. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.)For
example, when some countries need some helps of other countries for
developments, if they can communicate with others easily, they could get helps precisely
and quickly. Successful supports leads to a good relationship between countries.
Furthermore 등등 most Most vanished languages have high illiteracy
rate (언어가 문맹률이 높지는 않죠. 그 언어를 사용하는 문화권의 사람들의 문맹률이 높은 겁니다.), it which means that can disturb the whole education. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) they should learn other
languages which are usually used for education. Quality of education would be increased
through languages which are standardised and practical. As a result,
development would be made without significant discrepancy in the world. In
addition, when some people want to help other countries for medical problem or disaster
or war, the big wall of language differences may make it hard to dosomake you hard. If common languages
be larger, it would be much easier for each countries and ethics to give and
take helps. (후반부의 경우 본론1과 겹치는 상황입니다.)
For these reasons, I firmly believe that it
is more valuable to unite countries through accessible communication than
preserving diverse languages.
총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
일단 구조 자체는 잘 잡아주셨는데, 내용 관련해서는 위에 말씀드렸듯이 본론 두 문단의 내용이 '도움'과 관해 일부 겹치고 있으므로, 이에 대한 수정이 우선적으로 되어야겠습니다. 글을 쓰기 이전에 각 문단에 대한 개요를 짜서 이러한 중복이 발생하지 않도록 해주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)