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Some people say that visiting other countries helps people to understand different cultures and ages because they can directly experience other cultures, while other people believe that music is a good method of bringing people of different cultures and ages together (조금 더 paraphrasing 해서 논제와 다른 표현이 되도록 해주세요.) I personally think that music can act as a strong way is very strong points to collect other countries’ people compared to the other opinions (앞서 언급된 다른 의견은 하나밖에 없습니다.). To begin with, music plays an important role in knowing different cultures. This is because music contains the cultures of the country in which it was made by/from. Some experts have stated that music is a very strong role to collect other countries’ people. (지금과 같이 앞서 했던 말과 완벽하게 같은, 즉 아무런 의미를 갖지 않는 문장은 사용하지 말아주세요.) To be specific, there are a lot of Idol groups in Korea. If they hold a the concert, all kinds of people would enjoy the concerts. It is clear that they can share some information and emotion each other and they can easily understand other cultures. (이 예시는 다시 적어주셔야 합니다. 총평에서 자세히 말씀드릴게요.) As a result, music is a good way to come together. In addition, sharing music helps people to maintain strong bonds regardless of ages. In other words, when many people like one singer, they can join the fan clubs or watch some YouTube clips. It is
obvious that they can easily communicate other people because they are interested in same music. For instance, ‘Let it be’ is a famous song worldwide very famous music around the world. When people listen to the music through the Youtube clips clips on YouTube, they can leave some comments about the music regardless of ages. It is clear that they share a lot of information regarding the music. As a result, their age gap should would be reduced because they can often communicate each other. In conclusion, I think that I agree with this opinion (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상은 대명사로 서술해서는 안 됩니다.) as music can collect a lot of people regardless of different ages and cultures.
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