Teenagers are encouraged to have a part time job in some countries. Some people believe this is a positive, however, it is also sometimes claimed as a negative development. Teenagers having jobs can help them learn the value of the money but at the same time, they may not be able to entirely focus on school they can focus on the school less at the same time.
There are advantages for teenagers taking part-time jobs. First, they can learn the value of money. Especially, it is significant that high school students know how to spend and save the money properly. They will choose either getting into college or going directly to work after graduating high school, and they will have to know how to manage their money themselves. Moreover, they can invest for themselves with their own money. For instance, if their parents relatively do have not enough income, what their kids can do can be limited. Thus, having a part-time job can be effective to their kids to be financially free.
In contrast, there are some disadvantages as well. If they spend too much time on part-time job, they would not be able to focus on schoolwork they can focus on the school less, and it will cause lead students to have less choices after graduating high school due to their low grades. In fact, South Korea is one of the countries that have low rates of teenagers taking part-time job, and the main factor was because they wanted to focus on their school more. It could be better that for students to be dedicated to their school because that will lead students to have better job opportunities if they try to get in a prestigeous college or get a great job.
In conclusion, there are advantages that students can learn the values of money and become financially free if their parents have not enough income for whole family members. On the other hands, it would be better that they focus on their study to get better opportunities after they graduate. (지금 제일 중요한 게 빠져있습니다. '무엇에 대한' 건지를 써주셔야 하고, 여기의 경우 '학생 신분으로 일을 했을 때' 가 됩니다.)
총평: 일단 논제를 따로 올려주시지 않아서 점수나 자세한 피드백을 드릴 수 없는데, 대신 다른 방면에서의 조언을 잠깐 드리겠습니다.
우선 7.0제발 님이신 것 같은데, 아이디는 하나로 통일해주시는 게 여러모로 좋을 거에요!
7.0을 안정적으로 확보하기 위해서는 지금처럼 그저 기계적으로 글을 쓰고 올려서 첨삭받는 것으로는 해결이 불가능합니다. 이를 대신해서 하나를 쓰더라도 최대한 정확한 문법과 다양한, 상황에 맞는 표현을 쓰려고 노력해주셔야 하며, 이와 별개로 모범답안을 보시고 해당 답안에서 어떠한 논리 전개와 어떠한 표현들, 그리고 문장 구조를 사용했는지를 분석한 뒤에 그걸 내 것으로 만들어주셔야 해요. 또한, 이는 특히 task1에서 매우 중요합니다. 참고로 7.0 이상을 위해서는 task1도 반드시 일정 부분 챙길 수 있어야 하고요.
절대 라이팅 공부가 기계적으로 변하지 않도록 주의해주세요~!
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