Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is a common belief that it is still necessary to belong to a big family these days. However, there is a more persuasive argument that its importance has decreased because communication technology and welfare system of government have developed.
One the one hand, some people insist that connection between family members is still important. They say people need to share problems at home and appropriate measures should be taken simultaneously by family members who are the closest person to each other. It is clear that a family member is the one who can lend a hand firstly among many neighbors. For example, if someone was accused of a car accident, he or she can solve the occasion rapidly with the help of a sibling who is a lawyer. This situation could be worse if there was no lawyer connection around him or her. However, it would be a fortune for him that he can be helped by a family member. (만약에 혈연이 없었을 경우 돈을 엄청나게 써야했을 수도 있는데, 형제자매의 도움 덕분에 돈을 아낄 수 있었다~' 라는 내용을 적어주시면 됩니다.) (참고로 이 문단은 후반부 내용 자체가 조금 바뀌어야 하는데, 여기에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드릴게요.)
Nevertheless, I support the idea that
nuclear family is enough, since first, the state of the art technology has improved
so that we can get in touch with family members such as cousins whenever we
need their help. In the past, in a big family, it was an advantage that people could
share their daily lives and give advice or lend a hand right away for each
other. However, nowadays, people can call on smart phones or send messages on social
media, which makes need for gathering physically in a house obsolete. (여기의 두 문장은 문법상의 문제는 크게 없는데, 각 문장 초반부에 쉼표가 너무 남발되고 있습니다. 쉼표가 불필요하게 쓰일 경우 글을 읽어나가는 흐름이 뚝뚝 끊기므로 주의해주세요!) Furthermore, secondly, seniors also don’t (줄임말을 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) desperately need the aid of
descendants anymore. Government is implementing diverse policies that provide
compensations for the olds. Utilizing that, seniors can live in retirement home
and hire housekeepers.
To sum up, while it is apparent that people still can get benefits from their family members, it is undeniable that they still can be assisted by each other as a state of nuclear family, and the gravity of a large family has lessened due to the aids from authority.
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
표현상으로는 그럭저럭 괜찮았습니다. 그러나 이에 비해 내용상의 수정은 필요해보이고요. 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 조금 더 '대가족'에만 해당되는 사항으로 채워주시는 게 좋습니다. 차사고 관련해서 형제자매 쪽은 핵가족에도 충분히 적용될 여지가 있기 때문이죠. 아예 조부모 관련 내용이 들어가는 게 가장 확실한 구분을 줄 수 있을 겁니다.
또한 본론 두 번째 문단 쪽에 쉼표 관련 내용도, 너무 자주 쓰이지 않도록 잘 체크해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)