Popular hobbies and interests change over time and are more a reflection of trends and fashions than an indication of what individuals really want to do in their spare time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Recently, a wide range of hobbies and interests have been made by a new trends and fashions, and these may be forced to individuals who do not want them. I totally agree the view and will present reasons. (제가 위에 초록색 표시해드린 논제의 부분이 서론에 명확히 반영되도록 수정해주세요! 일단 패러프레이징해서 넣으면 최상이지만, 자신이 없으면 그냥 논제의 표현을 그대로 가져다넣어서라도 꼭 채워주셔야 합니다.)
One reason that supports my view is that young people prefer to follow recent fashions. This is because they are sensitive to new fashions which become major interests to them. For example, Instargram (r 없습니다.) is an attractive community center since those who are young share their daily lifestyle through Instagram. (여기서 엔터치지 않습니다.)
They capture photos whenever they eat or date and upload the photos in Instargram., which becomes their hobbies although they do not really enjoy the moments. They are always stuck in the online community. These activities show that young people waste time trying to catch up to new trends.
Another reason is that the majority of individuals watch video in their free time since lots of media have been developed. Individuals today usually use smart phone and computer and spend most of free time in watching videos through platforms such as Netflix and YouTube. The media has addiction and is interesting to the public. They fall into the media, losing their true hobby like reading books and listening to the music. The most of Most people regret only watching video in their spare time. They obtain convenient media, while the media are stealing precious time with fixed their eyes in the monitor. (이 문단의 경우 논제의 초록색 부분은 들어가있는데, 이에 비해 trends and fastions 관련 내용이 아주 뚜렷하게 있다고 보기에는 조금 어렵습니다. 물론 넷플릭스 등의 미디어 자체를 하나의 트렌드로 의도하신 것은 보이지만, 그 의도가 다른 채점관들한테도 바로 보일지는 조금 의문이 드네요.)
In conclusion, I think that people's interests and hobbies have been changed through new trends, which brings about not benefits but the waste of time due to chasing new trends and wrong approach of the media.
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
저는 본론 두 번째 문단을 그래도 최대한 엄격하지 않게 봐서 점수를 최대치로 넣긴 했는데, 실전에서는 아마 그렇지 않을 겁니다. 그리고 이에 따라 총점도 6.0으로 내려갈 위험이 높고요. 그리고 이 외에 서론에서도 논제의 키워드가 명확히 반영되지 않은 부분도 있기 때문에, 이와 관련해서 조금 더 주의해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)