The given bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who exercised routinely in 2010.
Overall, the percentage of women increased steadily from the age group of 15 to 54, compared to men, whose percentage kept fluctuating.
In the age group of 15 to 24, men’s percentage of doing physical activity the percentage of men that did regular physical activity was 5.1 percent points higher than that of women. However, from the age group of 25 to 34, women’s percentage continually got ahead of that of men’s and peaked the highest in 45 to 54 at as 53.3%. Meanwhile, men’s percentage continuously declined to 39.5% (단위는 임의로 생략해서는 안 됩니다.) in 35 to 44, from 52.8% in 15 to 24. Although it showed a rising tendency from the age group of 45 to 54, it could not get ahead of the percentage of women until the end. In the age group of 65 and over, the percentage of men and women became nearly the same and the difference was just a 0.4 percent points.
In conclusion, Australian women in 2010 showed a tendency to physically active more than men only except for the age group of 15 to 24. (여기의 경우도 이전 글과 마찬가지로 간다고 보시면 됩니다. 이 내용을 두 번째 문단으로 옮겨주시면 돼요.)
총평: (7/6/5/6) 6.0
큼지막한 문제는 없었다는 점이 긍정적입니다. 대신, 이전 글과 마찬가지로 task1에서 결론은 따로 들어가지 않으므로 주의해주세요!
또한 지금 대부분의 문장들이 the percentage of~~로 되어있기 때문에 어휘는 물론, 문장 구조 자체에 대한 패러프레이징도 어느정도 해주셔야 하고요. 이러한 단조로움을 해결하는데에 우선순위를 두고 작성해주시면 되겠습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)