Today, newspapers and televisions are giving detailed descriptions on crimes. Some people believe such a practice will cause bad consequences and thus media should be restricted. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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(여기에 서론을 넣어주세요!)
Many may think, and I agree, that media
should be very careful to broadcast about details of any kinds of crimes, being
controlled by strict censorship. First of all, the media are (media는 복수입니다. 다른데에도 다 바꿔주세요~) is easily accessed by
people who are very young and who have no ability to distinguish right from
wrong, such as children. They might have an urge to commit similar crime they
saw from the media, just for having fun. In this case, it is very certain that detailed
information about crime exert a negative influence on them, offering a chance
to be a criminal.
Second, allowing people to access too much
detail of crimes is enables (문법만 고치면 이렇게 되는데, 애초에 enable 자체가 긍정/중립문에서만 사용 가능하기 때문에 여기는 적절치 않아요.) them to feel insecurity in daily lives. For example,
if thieves intruded someone’s house and the media shows how they broke in, the
neighborhood of the house would not feel safe anymore, even in the house, because
they know thieves have the way to get in their house anytime. Of course there
is a positive aspect to share detailed information to make people take
precautions of the thieves. However, insecurity is very hard to be removed,
once it planted in people’s mind. Furthermore, it would cost the government
because the government needs to protect people from the crimes ever been
introduced by the media.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that the media plays important role in people’s lives by sharing information which has power to manipulate desire, behavior and even feelings of the people. Therefore, the censorship of the media especially for the information of crimes should be applied for all information the media would share to the public through any channel.
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시간 : 약 1시간 (시간제한없이 작성해보았습니다.)
목표 : 7.0
-첫문장에서 being controlled 에서 being 을 빼도 될 지 고민을 했습니다. ( 앞의 should be 를 함께 끌어다 써도되는건지.. 어떤게 더 자연스럽나요? ) 해당 문장에서 의도하신 의미를 알려주셔야 답변드릴 수 있을 것 같습니다. 이거는 댓글로 알려주세요~
-people's mind , people's lives 같이 어퍼스트로피를 자유롭게 사용해도되는지 궁금합니다.
-> 그런 경우에는 괜찮습니다. 반면에 couldn't 같은 거는 풀어써 could not으로 써주셔야 하고요.
오늘도 감사합니다.
좋은 하루되세요!
총평: 서론이 누락된 상태라 점수는 뺐지만, 정상적으로 쓰였다고 가정하면 1시간 걸렸다는 점을 빼고 봤을 때 7점은 충분히 가능할 겁니다. 단, 일부러 서론을 안 쓰신 거면 당연히 안 되고, 이에 따라 점수도 떨어지겠죠.
수고하셨습니다 :)