The pie charts depict the information that San Diego, California and the remaining countries consumed water for three objectives; residence, industry and agriculture. Overall, San Diego country (여기는 아마 100% 문제가 있을 건데, 표가 없어서 확답을 드리지는 못하겠네요. 표는 수정해서 올려주시고 댓글 주세요!) uses water for living in the home, whereas water in the whole world is harnessed for agriculture.
Turning to the detail, in regarding to San Diego, the largest amount of water is used in household, making up 60%. This is followed by industry which is 23%. 17% of water is consumed for agriculture. Similarly, residential part occupies the largest percentage in California as 39%. The proportions of industry and agriculture in California are larger than in San Diego, constituting 33% and 28% respectively.
As for worldwide aspect, most of people in the world consume water to agriculture, which constitutes 69%. The 23% of water is used for industry, which shows see the same figure in San Diego and the whole world. However, only 8% in the world use water to solve household's work. (((((The levels of the whole world and San Diego conversely differ, with the exception of industry aspect.))))) (이 문장의 경우 문단 초반부로 와야 합니다. 먼저 일반적인 사항을 얘기한 뒤에 구체적인 정보를 언급해주는 것이죠.)
총평: 표가 액박이라 점수는 뺐는데, 일단 보이는 바에는 country를 제외하면 크게 문제는 없어보이네요. (County일 겁니다.) 패러프레이징이 갈수록 좋아지고 있는데 이는 매우 긍정적입니다. 모범답안 분석이 빛을 발하기 시작하네요.
수고하셨습니다 :)