The crime rate nowadays is decreasing compared
to the past due to advance technology which can prevent and solve crime. Do you
agree or disagree?
I strongly disagree with the argument/belief/opinion 등등 that the development of technology affects the decreasing crime rate. I believe that new forms of crime have appeared because of it such as cybercrime and a hidden camera. (여기서 몰라카메라에 대한 언급을 해주셨기 때문에, 실제로 밑에서도 구체적으로 다뤄주셔야 합니다. 만약에 그럴 여유가 없다면, 아예 여기서도 뺴주셔야 해요.) It has been observed that the majority of the Internet users are likely to be affected badly since their personal information are already leaked or at risk of being leaked by many hackers. In addition, more and more technology and machines have become exquisite. Thus, every person is a potential victim nowadays.
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5 min)
총평: 잘 써주셨습니다. 이제 어느정도 감을 잡으신 것 같네요. 초반부는 지금처럼만 써주시면 되고, 대신 저 with the ~~는 외워서 적용해주세요. 어차피 3초 정도만 시간이 늘어나는데, 이에 비해 글의 인상은 확 좋아질 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)