Some people believe that rich countries should provide poorer countries with help that is not financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many nations help poorer nations with financial aid. They gather donation and make some charities to help the developing countries. However, some people think that rich countries have to help them in other ways. I also agree with that and this essay will provide the reasons.
First of all, financial aid is just temporary. With
the money received from rich countries, poorer countries can provide their
citizens with food or daily supplies temporarily. However, they can do nothing
after spending all the money. Also, financial aid might be changed, depending on
the economy of rich countries. Thus, rich countries should help poverty
countries in poverty (poverty는 형용사가 아닙니다.) in other way, which can make people in the poor countries live by
themselves without financial support.
For instance, Instead, it is better for the developed countries (너무 많이 쓰이고 있으니까 대체해주세요!) can to provide their technology. They can train some people in the poverty developing countries and make
them utilize the technology without trainers. It is not financial support but
they can make money by themselves and help the country’s
development by using the technology. Technology can be used permanently even
though it is old-style rather than other countries. Meanwhile, it might effect
to other fields because many technology fields of technology are related each other.
In conclusion, financial aid can be helpful only for a short time at
that time when rich countries provide. However, poor countries need fundamental
methods that make them independent. They cannot receive support from rich
nations forever. Thus, rich nations should help poorer countries with more useful
things, like technology, rather than money.
overall : 7.0
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
이번 글은 평소보다 조금 아쉬웠습니다. asdfghjkl님 실력이면 이것보다 더 잘 쓰실 수 있을 거에요. 저는 6.5를 드리긴 했지만, 채점관에 따라 6.0까지 떨어질 확률도 어느정도 보입니다.
특히 이번 글에서는 단어의 반복이 꽤 잦은 편이라, 이에 대한 해결이 우선시되어보여요.
수고하셨습니다 :)