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Nowadays, there are various environmental organizations. However, all of the organizations could not evoke campaigns throughout same reason. In this way, environmental contamination problem have been controversial topic. (여기까지는 딱히 중요하지 않습니다. 특히 첫 두 문장은 더 그렇고요. 여기는 현재의 50% 정도로 간추려주시고, 그 시간에 본론에 집중해주시는 게 낫습니다. Task 2의 모든 문단들이 중요하기는 하지만, 굳이 중요도를 나누자면 본론>결론>서론 순이 됩니다.) some Some people argue that vanishing a special the extinction of specific creatures has have a crucial influence on the ecosystem. (이 문장은 일단 표현상으로만 바꿔드렸는데, 본질적인 내용이 바뀌어야 합니다. 여기에서 다뤄야 하는 건 특정 종의 멸종에 따른 생태계에 악영향이 아닌, '특정 종의 멸종이 왜 현시대의 가장 큰 환경 문제인지.' 입니다.) Other people suggest that there are more important problems people do not persist only one phenomenon. In this essay, I will introduce both views with my opinion. To begin with, diminishing a special creature the diminish of particular creatures provokes environmental destruction. To be specific, the decrease in predator’s number affects other species. If one species’s proportion could increased excessively, without predators, It it eventually causes eventually an imbalance in the environment to have an imbalance. This situation will stop the circulation of the ecosystem make ecosystem not to circulate, and expand remarkably from smallest spaces to nations. Consequently, vanishing one species could become a problem on global scale. (여기의 경우도 서론과 비슷한 맥락에서의 수정이 필요합니다. 문제가 된다는 사실 자체보다는, 앞서 언급된 생태계 파괴라는 이유로 인해 '이 문제가 현시대의 가장 큰 환경 문제이다.' 임을 명시해주셔야 해요.) On the other hand, there are those who believe that more important environmental matters are at hand (at hand 의 경우 익혀두시면 유용한 표현입니다.) people do not persist only one reason. Environmental concern included various backgrounds. If people rely on the conservation of one plant or animal, the environmental concern’s cause can be minimized. While it is undeniable that the number of different species rapidly have fallen, people do not need to define ecosystem destruction to one phenomenon. The widen sight could be necessary to solve environmental concern. In ecosystem, there were diverse noticeable problem. It is more important to review a lot of problems than to argue narrow suggestions. In the conclusion, there are constant debates about ecosystem destruction. Some people claim that disappearance of special species is more crucial than other problems. However, the environmental concern need a widen sight. (파란색으로 지워진 부분에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) |