▶ Your Answer :
Seoul, the capital city of South Korea,
also is my hometown. This place offers various activities for people. In particular Especially, Seoul is well known as a clubbing city because many a lot of clubs are
available, and each of them have a unique style of music and food. The greatest
thing about clubbing in Seoul is that it does not cost you much money compared
to other countries, and they offer clubbers a high quality alcoholic beverage for
cheap. However, it causes people to get drunk so easily and these people are
often found on the street with lots of rubbish. <(질문을 답해주기 보다는 서울의 클럽 문화에 대해 서술을 해주실 것 처럼 들립니다) (Need better transition)
Seoul is the most crowded city in South
Korea. That is why a lot of rubbish is found everywhere, and is thrown by the
people on the street. In the older days, our government allocated a good amount
of money for making the environment better. However, they tend to reduce the
budget to clean up all this the rubbish these days, and now clubs are becoming the
biggest problem for this matter. They are presented only for making profits
from people, and not interested in cleaning the rubbish such as empty bottles, part
of food as well as vomitus because these rubbish are often found on the street,
not in their places. They are argued that the rubbish on the street is not
their responsibility to clean. (Need better transition)
Sometimes a little piece of rubbish could
be dangerous for people. For example, one of my family members was injured his
feet by a fragment of a broken bottle. He stepped on this little piece of glass and it
teared his skin critically. Also, my dog had a critical situation as she ate a chicken bone born that was thrown by someone.
Although Seoul is still my favorite place to live and one of the best cities in the world, but it is clear that those rubbish make this beautiful city getting worse and has to be eliminated.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 에세이의 주제가 consistent 해보이지 않습니다. Introduction은 서울의 클럽에 대해서 이야기를 해주셨지만 body에서는 길가의 쓰레기에 대해서 서술을 해주셨습니다. 그리고 conclusion에서 쓰레기를 없에야 한다고 이야기 해주셨습니다. 일단 질문에 대한 답은 introduction에서 부터 clear해야하고 그것을 기반으로 에세이를 서술해주셔야합니다. Reader가 글쓴이의 답을 guess하게 만들거나 introduction에서 부터 off topic하게 들리면 좋지 않습니다. 즉, introduction은 서울의 클럽에 대해서 가 아니라 글쓴이의 고향의 서울에서 바뀌길 바라는 점은 길가에 있는 쓰레기이다 라고 해주셔야합니다. 그리고 body에서는 이미 글쓴이가 써주신 왜 쓰레기를 없에야하는지 또는 왜 이것에 대해 바꿔야 하는지를 서술 해주시면 됩니다. 문법상 동사에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |