▶ Your Answer : It is true that if we have more municipal health centers, there are more opportunities to exercise. On the other hand, I believe we can make our health better through other measures effectively. Some people insist that creating more infrastructure for workouts definitely encourages people to exercise. Actually, by building them, people can access them more easily and also they might be more willing to use them. However, there is a risk about the way of using health instruments. For instance, even if they’re<(contraction은 사용하시지 않는게 좋습니다.) eager to exercise, if they are strict to do with poor posture <(?), it must affect negatively on their body and health. Moreover, the most important cause to make them workout is their motivation, hence it is not certain that rising the number of health center help people to be healthy. Along with those, in my opinion, there are several ways to improve people’s health and to enjoy exercising. Firstly, the government should offer exact and simple education programs about workouts to the public for free and then many people are able to know how they should exercise with as a correct pose. Secondly, there are also needs an institution which can simply advice health conditions and basic exercising simply. For example, some of health centers gave people a program which shows how they can check their condition by themselves through easy measures, thus after this program, many people became to be interested in managing their condition. Lastly, we can use advertisement for motivating people because there is no point if they do’n want to use exercising instruments even though although they have the best facilities. In conclusion, I partly agree that creating more health facilities is one of the helpful ways to make people more healthy, more but I would like to argue we should use other measures as well.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 silly mistakes가 너무 많습니다. 에세이를 꼭 1~2번 proofreading 하는 것을 추천합니다. 문법상 단어 형태/표현/어순 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |