▶ Your Answer :
The percentage of tourists who visited four Brighton attractions in the UK, namely; Art Gallery, Pavilion, Pier and Festival, between 1980 to 2010 which are illustrated by the line graph. Overall, Pavilion had the highest percentage of tourists mostly in the latter years while Festival followed the next, and the rest of attractions had some fluctuations. In 1980, the Festival received the highest tourist rates of 30%, it followed by Pavilion of 22% and 20% for Art gallery. The lowest visit was the Pier at of 10%. The Art Gallery and the Pier had a the little peak to reaching at almost 40% and almost 15%, respectively.<(when?) The Festival and the Pavilion intersected at 25% in 1985. Since 1990, there was an increasing tourist's rate for the Pavilion persistent reaching at nearly 50% till 1995. Concurrently, the percentage of tourists for the Art Gallery and the Pier dropped. The Art Gallery had a substantial plummet at 22% while the Pier dropped till 12%. Festival had remained constant until 1995 of 25% of tourist percentages. From 2000 till 2010, the percentage of visitors declined significantly for the most of the attractions except for the Pier. The Pier had an the incremental percentage of tourists, rapidly to reaching at 22% by 2010. Meanwhile, the Pavilion and the Art Gallery experienced a significant drop, to ending at 30% and 9%, respectively. At the end, the Art Gallery had the lowest tourists rates. Festival, lastly, remained unchanged at 25%. <(25%보다는 조금 더 높았습니다)
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 정리해서 전달해주셨습니다. Introduction에는 date도 포한을 해주시면 좋습니다. Till 보다는 until라는 표현을 사용하시는 것을 추천합니다. Till 보다는 until이 조금 더 formal합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |