Recently, While while having dwelled in the community of international technology, most people are interested in sharing a lot of information easily because they are able to access by using on the Internet (인터넷은 고유명사이므로, 극히 예외적인 경우를 제외하고는 싹 다 대문자로 시작해주시면 됩니다. 그 예외에 들어가실 필요는 없고요.) internet. Some people say that sharing as much information as possible is good in scientific, business and academic world. I would like to write about the disagreement of the statement above.
When it comes to the value of knowledge, people tend to believe what they want. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.), some people who want to be famous abuse this fact for their greed greedy. For instance, some health trainers introduced a product that they already had experienced to lose their weight easily. Then, people believed and bought that because they do did not want to work out hard and prefered to lose weight easily. This is nonsence and an advertisement to sell by exggerating effects. I think personally, people have to consider the value of knowledge what they speak to us and should be able to distinguish which one is real.
In terms of the private invasion, a few people take advantage of information as their weapon to blame other rivals or enemies to decrease their reputation compared to their business. For example, some company revealed a big scandle of a celebrity to cover a politic issue. Surprisingly people are prone to be affected by celebrity case because it was more stimulating than a politic case. So, they used a rumor which it was not factual. In my opinion, to prevent innocent victims of the private invasion, we should limit the information sharing in some level.
In conclusion, although there are some benefits to share information as much as possible, to To avoid not only abusing the value of knowledge and but also the private invasion is the one that we should take into account before sharing information.
총평: (5/7/7/7) 6.5
빨간 부분이 많지 않을 것을 통해 봤듯이, 표현상 문제는 그렇게 많지 않습니다. 그러나 내용 쪽이 문제이고요.
논제에서 discuss both views라고 했으므로, 각 본론에는 각각의 입장을 넣어주시면 돼요. 즉 본론1에는 정보를 공유하는 게 좋다~본론2에는 그렇지 않는 게 좋다~라고 작성해주신 다음에 결론에서 내 의견과 마무리지어주시면 되겠습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)